At a conference I attended last week, one of the speakers shared the quote “The only thing worth talking about is what people are not talking about!” It is one of those statements that makes you do a double-take to make sure you understand what they are telling you.
When it comes to affairs, this statement is pure gold. What you and your spouse are not talking about are often the very areas and items that you need to be talking about. Although there is a pressure to put the affair behind you and not discuss it anymore, it needs discussion.
The two of you need a discussion of many different areas. Some of them include, the physical and emotional distance that developed; what you need from each other along with why those needs are important; the similarities between the lover and other people in the cheater’s life; the needs being met by the affair along with what that says about your marriage; the ability of the two of you to bring up your marriage relationship along with what it needs in order to improve; family relationship patterns that may be influencing the situation.
These are just a few of the items needing discussion. You may have realized the importance of discussing them yourself, yet find the second obstacle quite a roadblock.
The second obstacle is conversation itself. How do the two of you discuss things with each other? Is there an open sharing back and forth, or is it a contest of wills, seeing who predominates the conversation, telling the other one the way it is going to be?
In healthy conversation, the two of you are both listening and talking. There is a sense of being understood and striving to understand. It is not about conversating, which is often the term used for talking at each other. Instead it is talking with each other, bearing in mind that this does not mean that the two of you are in lock step agreement. In the mad rush to reach agreement, many couples make commitments and decisions BEFORE they fully understand what is going on and what each of you are feeling.
Perhaps your conversation turns into lectures or sermons. Those are ways of getting your point across, but they are NOT conversation. They are power plays where one spouse one ups the other. Whenever one party one ups the other, the communication becomes talking down to the other one.
Sure, it would be nice if the two of you agreed on everything. In reality, that is not likely to happen. When two people always agree, it actually stifles their communication. When controversies exist, it forces each of you to find new ways of connecting. If you wonder where the life of your marriage went, it could be that the two of you are not connecting.
You may need to vent and detoxify your anger prior to discussing things with your spouse. Anger is powerful and few people can stand being on the receiving end of it without it inflicting damage. Keep in mind that 95% of the time, anger is a secondary emotion. As a secondary emotion, it is a by-product reaction to another emotion. You may need to discuss that emotion rather than the anger. It may be hurt, disappointment, loss, fear, nausea, inadequacy or something else.
The challenge you may face is finding a way to express that emotion where you and your spouse both feel safe expressing what you are feeling. The way to do that is to express without attacking. That means you may have to discuss hurts without blaming and lashing out at the person who brought that hurt into your life.
Healthy conversation involves give and take. It also requires an atmosphere of safety. Healthy conversation is critical to the survival of your marriage. This is why I devote so much time to it in the Affair Recovery Workshop.
If you are not talking about something, it could be that those very issues you are avoiding are the ones needing attention.
Best Regards,
Jeff
