Yesterday, we did the webinar on “Affair Relapse” which was a timely topic. With all the news about the Ashley Madison debacle, hall passes and other affair related issues, affair relapse is something you need. Any marriage that experienced an affair or near affair needs to know what it is and how to deal with it.
Although no one intentionally wishes for another affair or a relapse of the affair, when there’s no clear ‘relapse prevention plan’ or a haphazard plan, then a replay of what you just went through is inevitable.
Poor planning in terms of preventing relapse is an invitation for relapse. You need a game plan for handling triggers and temptations before they get a toehold in the cheater’s heart or mind.
Many of you assume that good intentions, improved intimacy, forgiveness and prayer is all you need in dealing with affair relapse. Those are all good things, yet fall short when it comes to dealing with decision points, developing self-awareness of triggers and having plans of dealing with high risk scenarios.
Imagine going into a disaster without a disaster preparedness plan. You may make it through, yet your chances improve dramatically when you have a clear plan for what to do and when to do it.
Since we tend to be creatures of habit, we tend to resume to old patterns after the emotional blow-ups surrounding the affair. When the dust settles, many of you will return to your old ways and habits, including how you and your spouse interact with each other, which puts you at risk for a relapse.
People follow patterns. As long as the pattern of the affair has not been interrupted, you are at risk.
I can understand how easy it is to fall back into those old routines. It’s what you know. You deal with the problems and conflicts the best you know how, including the close calls and temptations.
Although you may be doing your best, those old ways of dealing with those issues may be what is setting the stage for a relapse.
Those old ways also have a way of numbing you out. Routines often have a numbing effect, which increases risks. With the numbing effect, people tend to switch to a passive mode of dealing with the world around them.
When you shift to a passive mode, you are entering the build up to an affair.
When your spouse starts building up to an affair, do you know where to intervene? Do you know how to stop the build up? Do you know the warning signs that a build up is underway? If not, you need a better plan to deal with affair relapse.
Knowing these tendencies of people to go into their passive mode of doing things, the webinar addressed how to deal with relapses and near relapses, including what to talk about and ways of using that information to deter any relapse.
Threats, yelling, crying and screaming are not the answer to dealing with relapse issues. If that is all you have in your social skill tool box, you need some better tools.
The webinar lays out the tools you need along with how they are used to increase the cheaters awareness, reducing risks and planning ways of escape.
Although planning ways of escape sounds dramatic, when you are dealing with desperate lovers, who do not play by any rules, it happens more than you might imagine.
Some lover look for and create traps for cheaters. Without knowing how to deal with affair relapse, the cheater in your life may be at risk.
It is one thing having them promise to work on your marriage. Imagine how much further along the two of you will be when it comes to improving your marriage when the two of you discuss relapse prevention plans and ways of handling temptations, risky situations and slippery people covered in the affair relapse webinar.
You do not have to be blindsided by a relapse. You can instead have the confidence that comes that exes, former lovers and those on the prowl pose no threat to your marriage by knowing about Affair Relapse.
Best Regards,
Jeff
3 Responses
What about when the relapse occurs 25 years after the affair ended. My wife and I went through counseling, worked to repair the relationship and to my knowledge had moved on. Then in the month of his 75th birthday, I am cleaning off her desk and find a card written to him for his birthday. It starts off with “I know I should not be contacting you…” She is 15 years his junior and the affair lasted 3 1/2 years when she was in her mid 30’s. Really> Why now, all these years later. Do I assume she still wants or needs him in her life? I can find no other signs pointing to an reoccurrence? She denies writing the card and suggests it just “surfaced” after all these years, even though we have moved 3-4 times since and it is written on cardstock I purchased months earlier. A liar has a poor memory. Any advise or guidance?
Don,
Thank you for writing. Although an Affair Relapse occurring 25 years after the affair is not often talked about or mentioned, it’s actually quite common. The old connections in the brain of the cheater are still there years later. It doesn’t take much to reactivate them. This is one of the dangers that comes with social media and friending old high school people years later.
Her denying the card and claiming it just “surfaced” raises questions. She may have forgotten about it, yet keeping it after 3-4 moves indicates, it was intentional. I’ve written several posts about affair ghosts and the importance of removing old letters, reminders, etc. That’s the best way of making sure there is closure.
You are quite correct about liars and their memories. It takes more work to lie and cover every detail than it does to tell the truth.
Assumptions will lead you on wild goose chases. Instead of making assumptions, ask her what she needs from you and your marriage.
I would stick with what the facts are. Her opening of “I know I should not be contacting you” tells me she knows what she is doing and that she shouldn’t be doing it. Consider talking with her about what she lost when that relationship ended and what it meant for her. This may be hard to hear, yet it can tell you a great deal about her heart and what she needs from you. The main catch is to listen without jumping into a jealous rage.
Jeff