When you are faced with problems in your marriage, it is important knowing who to trust. Sure, there’s plenty of people who say they care about you, but trusting them is a whole other matter, especially with marital issues like affairs or even suspicions of an affair.
You suddenly find yourself sorting out your friends and acquaintances in terms of trust. It’s as if you sort them out into two stacks, the trust-worthy and the non trust-worthy. Unlike sorting laundry into the colored and the whites, when it comes to sorting out relationships, the choices are not always easy.
In doing the sorting, there are various things you suddenly have to consider. Things like who has your best interest at heart, who will keep their mouth shut, who will tell you the truth, who knows how to handle this kind of situation, and who has the maturity to handle the situation.
When you begin discussing marital problems, you will find that there is an emotional charge associated with them. Although someone may have your best interest and be willing to tell you the truth, the moment you bring up marital issues, things can suddenly change.
Since marital problems are high charged emotional issues, you have to be careful in mentioning them. Some people immediately get polarized, taking one side or another. You see sides of people you may never have seen before. People you thought cared about you may not be as loyal to you as you assumed. They may also not be as tight lipped about handling your business as you would like either.
If marital problems are highly charged, issues involving affairs are ULTRA highly charged. You have all the emotional energy intensified with a sexual energy. The strength of that energy may be overwhelming to some people to the point where you see them radically change, even to the point where they make passes at you or you make passes at them.
That energy has a way of transforming people. In can be so intense that you feel the whole energy of the room change when you begin discussing the affair. A good rule of thumb is that if you have trouble handling all the emotional energy, be it positive or negative, chances are that the other person may experience problems as well, unless they are experienced in dealing with such issues.
Even then, some experienced helpers such as pastors, counselors, lawyers and doctors may have trouble dealing with such issues. Just because they are in a position of trust does not immediately mean that they are worthy of your trust. Rather than trust them blindly, you may want to seriously consider the old adage, ‘Test, then trust” in such circumstances.
You may also find yourself in a situation where there is no one you can trust. Carrying that pain alone has a way of amplifying the aloneness associated with it.
Although I address how to go about rebuilding trust in your relationship in my presentation on that topic, “How Can I Trust You Again?”, you also need ways of determining who you can trust and how to build trust with your support network as well.
In looking for an answer in terms of knowing who to trust, you will want to remember the acronym “HELPS“. This will guide you during such times.
H-Honesty. You need someone who will be honest and tell you what you need to hear rather than what you want to hear, or is smooth to your ears.
E-Experience. You need someone who has the maturity to handle the emotional energy. They need the ability to handle the transference issues. If they do not even know what transference is, keep looking for help.
L-Loyalty. You need someone whose loyalty is to your marriage. You want them to fight for your marriage as much as you do. If their loyalty is to strictly to you, that may put them at odds with your marriage.
P-Private. You want someone who will respect your privacy and handle matters discretely.
S-Stable. You want someone who is stable in their own marriage and relationships. Even the most experienced people can have trouble when their own marriages and relationships are not in a good place. Their own marriages does influence how they deal with other marriages.
Best Regards,
Jeff
6 Responses
Sadly I know of no person who is capable of this kind of trustworthiness
where people have some kind of “gain” from “helping” I find it difficult to trust them
I know this may sound so hopeless and sometimes it seems so
Moving then discovering such a long time deception within marriage left me without any energy to engage with people other than a superficial way
Church we found does teach book by book but the deeper involvement requires much in terms of travel through oftentimes bad weather
My health is challenging as well as finances
I have not even found a sufficient medical doctor in his area….many are “full” and the small clinics have less trained doctors for more complicated issues both physically or emotionally
I have begun to have a mysterious rash with other symptoms that the year before I went to doctor after doctor with no definitive help….it went away as mysteriously as it arrived after about 6 months!
It’s back again and I must try again to find someone who will identify this
I feel like medical doctors do what they can but they really seem to be trial and error even in their own fields
I have experienced this kind of fruitless search at other times over the last 30+ years of my marriage for other conditions
I am thinking it is the condition of our times
Sounds pretty discouraging I realize…..but our fallen state and bodies will challenge us and my efforts to fight me help all the while trusting the Lord by way of investigating and building my faith through study and fellowship seem to require something more in the face of the realities within and around me
When I examine my life I have had to realize my trust in everyone was ill equipped with the wisdom that I see in Gods word
Lack of understanding boundaries and raised in a household which did not know God but actually had some involvement with Masonry (dad a 33 degree and a Shriner) mom a marginal believer and dabbler in horoscope and other “lite” occult socially acceptable “parlor games” kind of interest in such things
I look over my life and see many ways I was deceived without the understanding of how to “vet” people
I think one tool to bring this about among “good people” was the humanist working through our culture and government school curriculum
I also see as I came to Christ how I have become equipped with first hand experience with the false teachers that have been infiltrating the pulpits all in the arc of history of the Church which is even revealed in the historical churches mentioned in the Revelation
Deception thrives when the knowledge of the truth of Gods word is unknown due to lack of study or twisted doctrines taught as true by those who have gained the ears of the unlearned
So trust is something I have had to evaluate
Would that I could now find a way to engage in building a trusting relationship outside my two daughters and son who I know and have known through all these trials
Those who I have known in the ministry I was involved in for a good fifteen years are not turning from false teachings but continue to teach false things …they are really loving and sincere but are not open for anything not part of the “party line” which coincidentally provides their incomes
So where money is involved it is possible that there is a point of compromise ….not always but the possibility is one cautionary point to consider
Opportunism is abounding where short cuts may also be present and our economy has pushed the temptation envelop more and more
Human suffering is not so much from God as some accuse Him …nor a direct act of satan….but it is human sinful indulgence that brings about the terrible consequences we have going on and the Savior is still extending salvation from eternal consequences to those willing to hear and heed and receive Him
In the meantime consequences abound as we all have sinned or have been sinned against and are on a learning curve amidst a fallen world where the ticking clock of prophetic timepiece moves us all closer to our own expiration date but also that of this present Church age of Grace
Tick tock
Zaza,
Thank you for your insights. You raise a good point as to who is worthy of such trustworthiness.
I admire your skepticism of helpers. In my mind, that is a healthy mindset, although it runs counter to popular culture. In pop culture, you are supposed to trust and believe someone based on their intentions and being licensed by the government. Daring to question how trustworthy a helper is often met with strong reactions. I remember when my wife spoke out on one of her graduate courses, stating that she did not trust the professor. He became livid. To him it was preposterous for anyone not to trust him because….he was a psychologist and a professor! Never mind that he had done nothing to earn any trust, nor had shown trusting qualities. She was expected to trust him based solely on his position. Sadly, I think there are many people like that out there these days. I was astounded at his arrogance, yet since then, I have seen similar incidents time and time again.
It is unfortunate that there were not many you could trust at church. There are many in ministry positions that do not realize the power of God’s Word, nor respect it, nor handle it with Wisdom. I have been reminded of that time and time again. It breaks my heart hearing the children of many of the people and many of the people themselves I grew up in church with now going so astray and stumbling into many ‘foolish hurts’.
There are many other good points you made that I would love to respond to. Your responses always show that you have definitely done some serious thinking on many matters.
I liked your insight, “So where money is involved it is possible that there is a point of compromise” IT reminds me of something Robert McGee once told me “It is amazing how many times God’s will is decided based on who pays more”. (His comment was in reference to pastors that often talk about seeking God’s will about which church to be at.) That statement of his has stayed with me through the years as a nugget of common sense.
I also concur that much of our suffering is made worse by ourselves. Although God is often blamed, the real source of many problems often goes back to us mishandling the blessings that have been showered upon us.
Best Regards,
Jeff
Thank you for your thoughtful reply
The Revelation speaks of how God “hates the doctrine of the Nicolatians
The respect demanded but not earned by those who echo all the PC “correct” answers …checking the boxes to gain positions of influence only allows them to rise in the world’s system
We are warned to beware and aware of such who make much to assure you of their honesty but are liars
The Father of Lies first makes use of those who have been blessed with much talent and a kitty by flattery and bate to believe their own fleshly view ..self love …..and thus entitled to special track to the top
The Nicolatians functioned in the church by way of a man estaished hyarchy
Gods order for those who would lead is described in His description of “job qualifications ” for a Bishop….mostly one who has become matured through the lengthy trials resulting from FOLLOWING Jesus….which trials knock a bit of the ego off as we grow in knowledge and then submitting to Him
This criteria for leadership in the church was tossed aside for the most part during the rise of Roman church but the flame fanned over the time of the impact of the age of “reason” and evolutionary religion overtaking true science
All doctrines of Demons finding fertile soil in the hearts of those who seek to rise and control those around them to “worship” them by way of manipulating the knowledge
When we learn to obey study of the Word and ask God for His view of all things to be made clear to us…we begin to see as He sees
No worldly government nor “church” will be able to stand built upon the sand of fleshly list…greed and desire for self
So yes…search as we may…it is a “little flock” and in search of how to stay in the protection of the fold
Jesus continues to seek and save whomsoever is WILLING to hear His calling through the declaring of the. truth found in the. Bible
Some learn the hard way
Some only need a small taste of the “wild side” to learn how deadly and fruitless the popular system of error is
God Bless your efforts to reach out to the hurting
Hahaha
Not “kitty”!
It was “ability”😜
Hmmm, how appropriate this article IS. Upon seeking counsel with my pastor over the Deep & Depraved Porn I found on my “h’s ph” he said “Porn-is that all? I’ve been on that site”. Insted of Reacting to that statement I thought-OKKKK, lets get real, be calm & see where this goes. Yea it WENT-to the place I figured out My Pastor was a Sex Addict. He had a meeting w/my husband & I together-FINAL Outcome-He raised over his desk shook his finger at me & said “If you were MY WIFE I WOULD NEVER TRUST YOU AGAIN! Can you say WOW?? I got up & walked out as he & my husband were skaking hands- UNBELIEVABLE (20yrs I had known this man). Just goes to show how TRUE The Scriptures are on these matters “Everything done in the Dark will be revealed by The Light”. THANK YOU FATHER IN HEAVEN!!
Dianah,
Although I wish I could say that I was shocked by what you wrote, it saddens me to say I wasn’t. A wave of grief came over me as I thought “It’s no wonder so many churches are in the mess they’re in”. His response tells me a great deal about his theology and views on marriage. He doesn’t fully understand ‘the two shall become one flesh’ (Mark 10:8). He only sees the fleshly part of it. the spiritual and stewardship aspects are missed. He doesn’t understand the full range of intimacy. Since he doesn’t understand intimacy, I have doubts as to his understanding trust either. He doesn’t trust you based on him not grasping the truths of scripture and its application.
In my understanding, When two are joined, the world of ‘his’ and ‘hers’ ceases existing. This is part of the ‘mystery’ associated with marriage. The two separate worlds merge. They become one. Since it’s a spiritual truth, the carnally minded either don’t grasp it, ignore it or ridicule it. I would have expected that he, being a pastor knew this.
Best Regards,
Jeff