Are there times when help becomes the problem? Can help actually turn into something ugly? You may be surprised to find out that all those well intentioned outreach programs may actually be destroying more families than they are helping. When you are hurting, you want help, yet is the help your getting actually making matters worse for your marriage? One of my employees showed me what happens when help becomes the problem.
Cliff came to work with me when he experienced trouble finding a job in his part of the country. There are many of you who may have experience this challenge. You or your spouse may find themselves having to go to another part of the country to find a job. There are many military spouses whose job not only takes them to another part of the country, they are in another part of the world.
While Cliff was working to provide for his family, it so happened that some of the people in his home church wanted ‘to help’. As part of their help, they included his spouse in their outreach. Many churches talk about outreach, this church took it seriously.
The local church viewed Cliff’s family as in need. They provided them with activities, support and encouragement while Cliff was working to support them. Over time, Cliff’s family enjoyed the support and those providing it so much, that Cliff was no longer so important to them.
Cliff began feeling used. He was being milked dry by his family, yet they were less and less interested in his welfare. They were getting all their emotional needs met by the ‘helpful church outreach people’. They no longer needed Cliff like they used to. They enjoyed his money, but they were having a good time without him.
Over time, Cliff felt betrayed. His church, which should have been a support for him and his family had morphed into a monster that was actually weakening the bonds of his marriage. Instead of helping her to love him, they were helping her to become independent of her husband and thereby weaken their marriage.
Cliff was devastated. It was as if his wife was having an affair with the church support group. He was know alienated from her when his whole intent was one of love and support for his family.
Even though he made trips home, with each visit, Cliff’s wife distanced herself more and more from him. She was having more fun with the outreach people than with him. She no longer ‘needed’ him for anything other than money. The church outreach was meeting her needs.
Despite his efforts, their marriage became more estranged. They drifted further and further apart. Cliff was witnessing what happens when ‘help becomes the problem’. He felt crazy since the outreach was supposed to help, yet they were now the source of the problem, if not the problem.
What made things weird was that the situation had all the hallmarks of an affair, yet there was no ‘physical’ affair. His wife had been seduced away from him by well intentioned church outreach.
Cliff’s story has many lessons that can help your marriage. One is that when help is really ‘help’, it strengthens your marriage rather than replaces one of the spouses. There are times that help becomes the problem. The well intentioned activities designed to help may at times become problematic.
When it comes to relationships, helps can become hindrances, as they did in Cliff’s situation. You know too well how someone who came into your life or your spouse’s life to ‘help’ ended up turning into just the opposite.
Another lesson is that the church or any form of outreach can turn into a mistress, even though it was well intentioned. There are many pastor’s wives who know the damage done by a ‘church’ that becomes a mistress. This is a problem in many churches who think they are helping with their outreach, yet end up destroying families and marriages.
If your marriage has experienced one of the helps turning into the problem, you can find help with the Affair Recovery Workshop.
Best Regards,
Jeff
