Over the weekend I had a conversation with a doctor about affairs. I was curious what I could learn from the experiences of this experienced, white haired physician. We talked about the importance of people getting the help they need along with the many facets of addiction and their role in affairs.
Each of us shared our experiences in dealing with affairs. Although our encounters with affairs differed in terms of how they are approached, one thing that we both agreed on was that when a couple comes in for an affair, the therapist needs to address the issue of the affair. “It’s just the right thing to do” he said.
With him being an oncologist, he knew the importance of listening to what the patient reports and treating them for what they came in for.
I shared with him the findings of the Affair Recovery Index in the area of how responsive therapists were in dealing with the affair. He was shocked on hearing that in 60% of the respondents reported that the therapist did not deal directly with the affair (actually 61%, but people relate better to the 60% number). He knew the importance of helpers to address what the client came in for. His furrowed eyebrows alerted me to how seriously he viewed the importance of addressing the client’s presenting concern.
“What are they thinking?” he asked concerning the therapists. “I don’t know for sure what they are thinking.” I responded. “That was not something I asked on the survey. It never occurred to me to ask questions about what the therapist was thinking when dealing with clients”. I told him that I had some guesses and ideas, but had not heard directly from the therapists themselves.
As a physician, he had worked with Senators and politicians in Washington D.C. during the passage of Obamacare, so he was familiar with brazen behaviors and questionable actions. His level of concern coming from someone who had dealt with movers and shakers alerted me to how big this problem is.
I know from being a therapist myself, that there are many thoughts going through your head when you are with a client, especially regarding an affair. You are trained to listen, assess, connect information and observe all at the same time. Like a multi-channel stereo system, you ‘tune into’ what is being said and done.
The doctor and I discussed various reasons for this finding. I was curious what his view on the matter was. I figured since he was an oncologist familiar with situations where people’s lives depended on addressing client concerns and hinged on his recommendations.
In many ways, affairs are also dire. The whole life of a marriage relationship hinges on dealing with issues surrounding the affair. When you build your life around someone, when trouble arises in that relationship, it has serious ramifications.
Untreated cancers can fester and worsen. Unaddressed relationship issues can fester and worsen as well. What was clear in my conversation with a doctor, was that if you are dealing with a cancer or an affair, it is important to address the presenting issues. Ignoring the danger signs is dangerous.
It is also dangerous assuming that all you need is time, or that it is ‘only natural’ that men or woman stray.
The sooner each of the problems are dealt with, the better. Addressing ‘unmentionable’ issues like cancer or affairs is no excuse for not getting the help you need. Not liking the doctor or complaining that the treatments take you out of your comfort zone are no excuse for not getting help either. Sure there are fears to address. You can strike up a conversation with a doctor or with your therapist if you have such fears. I suppose that the question of which is more important, getting healed or feeling comfortable is one that has to be considered.
What is it going to be…getting healed or feeling comfortable?
Best Regards,
Jeff
