When Brad said “She had a gun pointed at me”, I knew that his situation was a serious one. Brad’s wife was determined to have her way, whether it was with having her boy toys or threatening Brad with violence.
Over time things had escalated from angry outbursts or ‘episodes’ into full-blown times of being out of control.
Lately her times of being out of control were extreme. Pointing guns, making threats with knives and erratic driving. At times Brad was in fear for his life. Even more fearful was that dreaded question “What would she do to the children?”
By the time Brad called me, things were very out of control. At that point, he just wanted to protect his kids. He needed help for himself and his situation. Coping with his wife’s mental illness had him at wit’s end. “I am tired. It has been going on sooo long”. Brad’s strained voice told me that he was not just being dramatic.
Brad had his hands full and was feeling desperate. He was facing child custody issues, financial pressures, the shame of being threatened and beaten up by his wife and on top of all that, he felt like a loser of a man due to her cheating on him.
Brad regretted not getting help for his marriage sooner. The shame scars on his manhood and fear of being seen as a failure locked him into suffering in silent desperation. He thought that he could handle her and love her back into health, but it didn’t happen.
Brad’s situation happens more often than you might think. You may find yourself in a similar situation, where you are torn between the woman you love and the one who is threatening your life, even though they are the same person. Talk about feeling torn and feeling like you are going crazy.
Fortunately, there’s help with resources like the Affair Recovery workshop. The workshop gives you tools for turning your marriage by opening up communication, stop destructive patterns and change the ground rules of your marriage.
Rather than keeping the sick cycles of dysfunction going, you can instead, break them. Stories like Brad’s don’t have to be your story as well.
Taking action can make a huge difference when you don’t wait too long. The important thing in such situations is not waiting until it is too late. Suffering along in desperation for months or years is not helpful for you or your marriage.
The sooner you deal with situations, whether they be affairs driven by mental illness, addictions or just plain old immaturity, the greater the likelihood of recovery, restoration of your sanity and the possible salvaging of your marriage.
When it gets to the point of “She had a gun pointed at me”, you’re negotiating from a position of being a victim. When weapons come out, things have gone too far.
When you delay taking action, you and your spouse will adapt to the situations as they develop. Situations where “she had a gun pointed at me” do not typically’ just happen’.
Such episodes are the result of a series of compromises and soft choices along the way. Each outburst, new lover or episode pushes your relationship to new extremes, which you choose to accommodate until the next episode happens.
When guns are being pointed, you need help. Even when only used as props or for threats, using them brings trauma to your situation.
Each new dramatic episode takes your marriage relationship to new extremes. Even though it is taken to new extremes, you chose to redraw that mythical line where you finally say “ENOUGH!”
Rather than accommodate the unacceptable behavior, try taking action when the affairs happen and those impulsive behaviors can be dealt with. Waiting until someone gets hurt or when you are fighting for custody of your children is WAY too late.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
The hardest thing to do is to walk away. I understand this story very well. No guns have been pulled, but I often feel my life is in danger. Rather it’s him, the other woman, or health. ( std, AIDS,) I just can’t find the strength to walk away. How do you after 30 years. How do you just stop loving me? And how do I stop loving you? So many how’s!
Anonymous,
Thank you for writing. There are many “How” questions that have to be considered. When you invest 25, 30 or more years of your life, it changes how you view the relationship along with what you are willing to put up with. Although people say in their vows, “…in sickness and in health, for better or for worse…” when it comes time to putting it into practice, they allow those very things to be their excuse for leaving the relationship rather than finding ways of making their relationship work through them. You pose some tough questions in terms of “How do you just stop loving me? And how do I stop loving you?”
Love is not like a light switch that can be turned on and off so easily.
Jeff