While my wife and I took a break on the back porch from the Texas heat, the topic of punishment and marriage came up. She relayed a story of how a family member once put their wife over his knee and spanked her after one of her notorious outbursts. The wife was known for making inflammatory comments and pitching child-like fits when she didn’t get her way. It was apparently not the first time this had happened and it got me wondering; what role does punishment play in a marriage?
Although I had images of John Wayne putting Maureen O’Hara across his knee and spanking her from the movie McLintock, I knew in real life, things do not go like that and that the situation was a game changer.
Having known the husband and the wife involved, I understood his frustration with her outbursts and provocations. My encounters with her often left me feeling exasperated as well. The exasperation at the outburst was no excuse for corporal punishment.
I found myself recalling a member of my own family that often used choking to “keep his wife in line”. I hated it then, and found some of the same feelings of disgust with punishment welling up again on hearing my wife talk about punishment and marriage.
Although I understand the logic of how “if your are going to act like a ‘spoiled brat’, you are going to be treated like one” line of thinking, such actions raise some serious complications for your marriage.
Punishment can backfire
The first and most serious problem with corporal punishment is that it is a quick fix. When you don’t or cannot solve the underlying problem, punishment may end up being a band-aid for a larger issue that needs to be dealt with in another way.
It provides a quick, temporary emotional release for a much larger problem. In other words, it’s not a good solution.
For the purpose of discussion, I’ll limit the scope of my comments about punishment to the non-BDSM couples.
The topic of punishment is pertinent for many couples whether or not there has been an affair, although affairs often triggers a strong desire to punish the cheating spouse. Punishment often occurs when desires are blocked or when one spouse does something that is viewed as wrong by the other.
There is also self-punishment and the punishment of one’s spouse. Self-punishment can show up as cutting, exhibiting self-defeating behaviors or even getting tattoos. Some cheaters go so far as to punish their spouse for them cheating.
Punishment is also a touchy subject. Although most couples disapprove of corporal punishment, saying that “has no place in a marriage“, they instead resort to other punishments. For example, the cheating spouse might be deprived of sex or affection . Or the punishment could take place outside of the home such as moving in with parents or losing friends.
The fact is that any kind of punishment you use to keep your spouse from doing something wrong is just a band-aid for bigger underlying issues.
They may even pride themselves on how they “do not believe in corporal punishment”, yet resort to a wide assortment of punishment in their relationships. This may include withholding, being passive aggressive, name calling, choking, cursing each other out, talking down to each other or intentionally sabotaging things.
The use of other non-corporal punishments gives the couples the appearance of not punishing each other, while in reality …they do. There is often a desire to inflict real pain.
In the case of affairs, you may find yourself wanting to punish the cheater or their lover. One of the oddities about punishment is that when you can not punish the person who you directly want to punish for whatever reason, those strong feelings are often redirected to the person or thing that is blamed for the affair.
Although you may feel the power of the urge to punish, if you give into it, especially in terms of resorting to corporal punishment, the dynamics of your marriage change. You may think that the cheating changed your marriage, which it did, yet once one of you resorts to corporal punishment, the dynamics change as well.
In the case of the couple mentioned at first, the spanking was only the tip of the iceberg. It opened the door to more extremes in behavior and more extreme responses. The spanking only changed the ground rules of their marriage.
When you resort to corporal punishment, the power relationship changes. The power shifts to you and your spouse is now under the control of you.
No longer is your relationship between two equals. There is the person with the power and the person who is subservient. The person giving the pain is often viewed as the one ‘in control’.
Another consequence is that love is not longer used as a restraining force. Instead control is. I often tell couples “The opposite of love is NOT hate, but control.” Instead of deciding on whether or not to engage in some behavior based on love, you find yourself making choices based on whether or not you will be punished.
When, as a couple the two of you resort to control games as ways of dealing with each other, the dynamic of your marriage has changed, and not in a good way. (If you want more on relationship dynamics, I deal with this topic in more depth in the Affair Recovery Workshop).
The biggest reason not to punish, whether corporeally or not is that when you start inflicting pain, it short circuits guilt and conscience. Once the offending party is punished, they consider the subject closed. They did wrong, they were punished, …it is over and done.
If the pain spills over into BDSM tendencies, you may have an even bigger problem. A recent survey found that 63% of the respondents into BDSM also cheated on their spouse.
The infliction of pain has a way of giving the offending spouse a feeling of relief. It artificially evens out the guilt-blame balance. Whatever wrong they did, the use of pain gives them a release on many levels. You may feel relieved in punishing them in terms of taking out your frustrations on them, yet the pain also takes away the guilt of any wrong they may have done.
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Best Regards,
Jeff
4 Responses
Totally without biblical support!
The ideas people have of what it means to be a mature person and become involved in what is defined by God regarding marriage and jurisdictions and responsibilities seems to have been lost upon those who “marry” and the. Want to function in ways that appear no where in the Bible where the designer of man and woman also provided the marriage as a type of the relationship of Christ and the church
It seems hardly worthy of comment when someone takes this tactic seriously in a marriage
No wonder so many people are messed up I regard to the purpose and function of marriage …and gender for that matter
When a person has their identity in Jesus Christ then every other area of life is set straight as they learn Gods priorities and designs and what jurisdictions said h are given for HIS glory
It’s been said God did not make marriage to make us happy but to make us holy
It MAY make us happy if we function as we are directed to as members in particular in the body of Christ
People are led to confusion to the degree today they don’t know. What a man is to be like or do ….the confirmato. Of ones gender comes as one trusts God knows what He has done and what and how each are provided with sarisfaction AS they learn and are thankful for their God given order and function ..that goes for within the Body of Christ and on into marriage
Trying to life life apart from knowing Gods wisdom is like complaining that the car won’t drive when you fill the tank with sand!
“Submit to God” then we can identify when something is from the devil and THEN “resist the devil” operates by the right premise
Many ignore that first part of the verse and try to “resist” by fleshly ideas and efforts
God did not forget to supply what we need to know
Many just don’t want the info and wonder why things don’t work out according to THEIR. Imagination of what things “ought” to be and take it out by their own “idea” of what is needed
God has provided for how to get along
Many just don t or won’t listen to Him
Zaza,
I totally agree that violence in marriage is without Biblical support. Although it is not supported, there are many spouses who use the lack of submission as an excuse or trigger for violence. Yes, I know that such a practice is not the Biblical standard, yet there are some people who twist the Bible and its teachings to justify violence toward their spouse.
Although marriage is intended as a special relationships, there are many who resort to violence as a way to ‘motivate’ or ‘punish’ their spouse. In some cases, they are desperate, in others, they are doing what they have been taught in a ‘carrying on the family tradition’ type of thing.
There are many hurting couples out there where violence is a daily thing behind the closed doors. That is why I felt it important to address the topic. There are a lot of messed up marriages out there. In some cases, they are consciously twisting things, while in other situations, they do what they do out of ignorance. They don’t know any other way.
More couples would be better off it they listened to God, yet for whatever reason, they don’t. They are hurting and desperate for answers and for someone to finally “get what they are going through”.
Resentment and lack of forgiveness can make even the best of couples enemies in disguise, while claiming to have put everything behind them but remembering and living with the pain, you claim to have recovered from.
Anonymous,
Thank you for writing. Typically resentments start with a breach in trust. When breaches are allowed to fester, they become resentments. Once resentment sets in there is little willingness to forgive and when they do forgive, it is until reminded of what happened again. The issue remains a trump card played when there is a power struggle.
Punishment enters the picture with the resentments.