Have you ever considered whether infidelity is the worst sin imaginable? There are many sins. The list of sins includes murder, theft, taking the Lord’s name in vain, and the list goes on. Although the list covers many behaviors, I am sure that some people are imaginative to come up with new twisted behaviors.
The total potential number of sins varies on whether you view the Bible as a book containing laws or a guidebook. When you view the Bible as a guidebook, or in terms of “what applied when” then many behaviors are excused as non-sins based on either the attitude behind it or whether the person was aware that what they were doing was sin.
No one wants to consider what they are doing as ‘sin’, especially when it comes to affairs and other sexual relations. They want special dispensation. They are ‘special’ and the rules don’t apply to them like they do to the common folk.
Although there are many sins identified and quantified, most sins can be broken down into their components. Complex, twisted sins are often one layer of sin heaped on top of an already tall stack of offenses.
Adultery is one of those sins which are serious enough to be included in the Big 10 (aka the Ten Commandments). Being serious enough to be included in the Ten Commandments makes it something not to take lightly.
How can you begin quantifying something bad among other bad behaviors? In some ways it is like asking whether you want to loose your hand or loose your eye. Neither one is something you would want to have happen to you.
You have to realize that sins are considered sins due to their negative impact. They are not considered sins because Someone wants to limit our fun or keep you from a good thing. Certain behaviors are considered sinful due to their harmful consequences, either directly or indirectly.
When certain behaviors were identifies as sin, it was to give an awareness to people that were ignorant. They did not know right from wrong. With a knowledge of what constitutes ‘sinful’ behavior, they were no longer ignorant.
In terms of whether or not infidelity is the worst sin, there are several things to consider. One is the damage done by infidelity. Infidelity destroys trust, and some of you consider the damage of the sacred trust between a husband and wife unforgivable. I have had some spouses tell me that “When the trust is gone, that’s it. The marriage is over”.
I have had other spouses tell me about how they love their spouses even in spite of the affair. They are willing to work through the damage.
In terms of the hurt and damage, there are some of you who consider infidelity the worst of possible wrongs. I suspect that is due to the personal nature of infidelity. It is something that is done to you and inflicts its damage on a personal level which you feel more intensely than other wrongs. You can endure theft, or being called names, yet the pain of infidelity clings to you. Like a smell that does not come out after repeated washings, this one sticks.
Not only does it stick in the here and now. In doing genogram work with cheaters, the damage and stink continue through generations. Cheating is one of those behaviors that show up generation after generation. Cheaters often think that they are somehow smarter than others that went before them or that they and their generation are ‘special’. When you look at cheating in a genogram, you discover that neither they nor their relationship was as special as they believed.
Many cheaters are blind to how often infidelity is a family tradition that they were unaware of. Despite all the “I am my own man or woman” and “I must follow my heart” messages, when I look at their genograms I see another truth. That truth is that they are often fulfilling a family script or role that was passed onto them. Those free thinkers are just “Carrying on a family tradition” they are unaware of. Cheating is not just in their jeans, it is also in their genes.
You have a wide range of reactions to infidelity. For some it is a challenge to work through, for others it is THE INSURMOUNTABLE challenge that can not be overcome.
Just last week, the topic of affairs came up with some CEO’s in a business meeting. They shared stories of people they knew who were utterly devastated by affairs. They relayed the story of one man who was totally changed by what happened to him. “He was never the same after the affair”. “He was a good kid, had potential and was going places. When the affair happened, it all changed, and changed him”.
So in terms of impact, the answer to “is infidelity the worst sin?”, it can have a wide impact, which cuts across generations. It is safe to say infidelity may not be the worst sin, but it certainly may have the worst impact. Insurance often replaces what is lost from violence and theft, but it can not lessen the impact of an affair.
In terms of Biblical standards, infidelity is a forgivable sin. (That is part of the reason behind my writing the book, “What the Bible Says About Adultery, Part I”. I wanted to know what is said about adultery and its forgivability. In my search, I learned the answer and MUCH more.)
Infidelity is NOT the ‘unforgivable sin’, so in terms of infidelity being the worst sin, when it comes to forgivability, it is not the worst. Although it can be forgiven, the Bible makes it clear that the stain of adultery in terms of consequences never goes away. There are other sins which are forgivable, yet still have consequences that have to be dealt with.
Like a stained shirt that after being washed now smells fresh and is clean of all grime, yet still retains its tell tale stains. You can still wear it, yet adjust your accessories to cover, hide and disguise your stain. When it is your favorite shirt, you find yourself willing to put up with stains or worn areas more than other shirts.
I believe that infidelity can be forgiven and that marriages where they happened can be improved. That is why the Affair Recovery Workshop and other resources provide you help in recovering from the affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff
PS-After a reader wrote to me about how the post came across, I wanted to clarify my position.
I did not mean for it to sound like adultery is the ultimate sin. I do not believe it is. On the contrary, it is definitely forgivable. Although I view it as forgivable, I have encountered some people who do view adultery as the ultimate sin. They often believe that once it happens, their marriage is over. At that point they loose hope of any reconciliation.
Since I focus on affair recovery, I believe that forgiveness is possible as is reconciliation. If there was no hope, we would all be in trouble.
My intention was to reach those who view adultery as the ultimate sin, that is is unforgivable and challenge those assumptions.
13 Responses
Well maybe. Affair equates to destruction of trust, theft, death of what is. Not sure that one can really recover from the impact. Its not just the sex it is the lies the attacks the destruction that goes on for years. I believe in God and that he can forgive sins. But I am not sure even if one repents and has true remorse that the victim can ever fully recover. I am beginning to think, that it is great if she really has turned the corner but needs to be better with someone else.
David,
thank you for sharing your insights on this. Your statement “Not sure that one can really recover from the impact” really jumps out at me. Recovery from something that destroys trust, steals your confidence, takes away your security and kills your self-esteem, well-being and state of mind is not something easy to recover from.
I have often wondered if the wife variation in how affairs impact couples often exposes their level of commitment to the relationship and emotional maturity. Some people act as if it was “no big deal” while others are utterly devastated, even to the point that their personality and sense of who they are never fully recover. My suspicion is that the level of commitment is tied into recovery from the impact.
It’s like this: Level of Emotional Investment = Intensity of Emotional Impact from Affair
I would be curious what you think.
I also believe in God and that he forgives sins, including adultery. If he didn’t, we would all be in trouble. Although forgiveness is attainable, the consequences still have to be faced. I don’t believe the consequences ever go away. The consequences have a long tail. ( I am still researching the extent of this, yet I suspect it may be cross-generational in length).
Best Regards,
Jeff
Hi I’m Lafleur you are so right infildility is one of the worse sin one can commit my husband did that and with your help mr Jeff I have forgiven my husband it’s been a year since the affair but my husband still not ready to stop looking for other ways to try having affairs his lying and activities on his phone are all stuff he still does infildility can make you or brake you I have learn that thank you mr Jeff for all your help may God continue to bless you and your family always
Sincerely Lafleur
Lafleur,
Thank you for your comments and well wishes. They mean a great deal to me. I am glad to hear that you have forgiven your husband. I am sure it was something that took you out of your comfort zone.
Ending the affair is only one stop in the recovery journey. The next step is learning how to live and love. The affair was a cheap substitute. The cheater still has to learn how to love you, communicate with you and manage everyday life in a committed relationship. It truly is a journey filled with learning experiences.
Thank you again.
May God Bless,
Jeff
Dear Jeff Thank you for the article. I always find that your articles are objective.
You say that adultery is in the genes, does that mean that a parent of the cheater was also a cheater? What is the impact on a cheater if she was sexually and verbally abused as a child? Could it be that the genes would have nothing to do with it and was the abuse the start of it?
Rudy,
Thank you for your comment. You are a perceptive reader. There is a growing body of knowledge surrounding the role of genes related to cheating. I am still sorting through it myself. From my work with genograms, there is a STRONG family component to cheating. One study in Finland last year links it to the females only. I have some doubts that it is limited to the females.
Although the jury is still out on the parent of a cheater being a cheater, the odds are that they may be or have some trouble controlling impulsive behaviors.
You ask “What is the impact on a cheater if she was sexually and verbally abused as a child?” The sexual and verbal abuse impact is powerful. I have found that many of the women with a history of sexual or verbal abuse are at high risk of infidelity, either as the cheater or the victim. I am not sure of the reason. In some ways, it is replication of what they know, in some ways the abuse functions as ‘programming’, especially when it is systematic and inflicted in an intentional manner.
Your last question is a doozy. “Could it be that the genes would have nothing to do with it and was the abuse the start of it?” The abuse could be the start of an infidelity pattern, although when it is ‘abuse’ per se, the victim is not seeking out the behavior. When there is a history of sexual or physical abuse, it changes the meaning of infidelity for me. They are not being ‘driven’ by the same drives as other cheaters. Such acts may be more about comfort or seeking solace than they are about looking for someone or something better. I have worked with cases like this, so I know it happens. The case I worked with was before I started looking at the genogram materials. It could be that both genes and abuse were at work in the situation. I often wish I knew more what to look for back when I first encountered such situations.
Dear Jeff our psychologist says that in here experience she found that if a girl was conceived before the marriage they grow up with the red riding hood syndrome. They never feel like they are loved enough and have a graving to be loved and are much more prone to being abused and have blind spots.
Rudy,
Thank you for another response. I had not heard of the ‘red riding hood syndrome’ or at least that label before. The explanation you were given makes sense. I would want to see more of the research. I do know that such children often have ‘rejection’ issues. Those issues can be long standing blind spots for them. What children sense and learn in the womb, whether intentional or unintentional stay with them. The bonding or lack of bonding that begins in the womb becomes the foundation for their future relationships to be built upon.
The bible speaks often of generational curses. They make sense in that if you are raised in an environment where adultery is common, acting out in the same manner is probably common. Along with many other sins. In my case, the spouse was raised by a serial cheater who is currently on 5th marriage. Her mother also was a serial cheater. Pretty generational if you ask me. I am an introvert…. more emotionally involved than I allowed anyone to know. Yes that in itself was a huge mistake on my part. Having read the good old Google search info, it appears that there is a difference in male/female. Male concerned about the sex. Female about the emotional attachment. As a guy, there is no words to express the disgust the total blow to the “ego” my self esteem. When you know the details of their events, seeming to enjoy that which was never a priority or a preference… sex. It makes you feel pretty much like a pathetic loser! I am 18 months post DDay and can say it is just like it happened yesterday. There are so many variables the lies the attacks. I can not count how many times I was crazy or psychotic…. in her words! The process is a total and complete destruction of the person. Break you down until you question your own sanity! How can one ever get over that? Im not sure it is possible. Can you move on and even live with them. Yes, but it will never be the same (not always bad) you know it can not get worse! Better? I have my doubts. What I have learned is PTSD is real…. I have spoken out loud to ask forgiveness for stating it was a farce… never said it to a person but when it was mentioned on the news etc…. I have visuals that are surreal… you can be standing in your bedroom and in front of your eyes, your wife is laying there under her boy toy! That is screwed up! Truly it will take God to have the opportunity to fix. Yes she has stopped as far as I know…. but there goes the trust factor… how do you know. There should be laws against this… maybe it would make the fence sitters think twice. Sorry to ramble!!! none of this may make any sense.. but most of the time I don’t these days!
David,
Thank you for writing. In reading your response, there is definitely some struggles going on. PTSD is definitely real. The trauma brings with it many emotional, neurological and physical changes. I address these more in depth on the Affair Trauma Webinar. With PTSD, your coping skills get stuck, along with your thinking. There are reasons for that happening. It is not just your imagination. Researchers are understanding more about the specific mechanisms behind what is going on along with ways of restoring functioning after the trauma.
The changes that occur in your nervous system and neurotransmitter chemical releases could very well explain the visuals and other sensations. Those chemicals are strong enough to bring about many ‘surreal’ episodes.
I do take some comfort in knowing your wife has stopped. That keeps more from happening, yet healing is still needed for what has already transpired.
Yes, the Bible mentions ‘generational curses’. I find that those references are helpful in understanding matters along with the references to ‘familiar spirits’ (e.g. think of these as familiar patterns or attitudes handed down across generations). There is also a curious reference to conversation (e.g.behavior patterns [See Strong’s 391]) in I Peter 2:18. Forasmuch as you know that ye were not redeemed with corruptible things, as silver and gold, from your vain conversation, received by tradition from your fathers;” This passage raises some interesting questions, especially in terms of what we receive generationally. Since I am not a preacher, my intention is not theological, but rather in terms of viewing it through the eyes of a counselor trying to understand where infidelity comes from.
Feel free to ramble here. When it helps you and others, I have no problem with it.
Best Regards,
Jeff
Dear Jeff
What is the effect of sexual and verbal abuse on a person, why are they more vulnerable. And why do you say it changes the meaning of infidelity. Are they more likely to be coerced into affairs?
Rudy,
Thank you for your questions. You have posed a series of challenging questions. Let me start with “Are they [victims of sexual and verbal abuse] more likely to be coerced into affairs?”The answer is ‘yes’. Those who have a history of sexual and verbal abuse have a higher risk of being coerced into affairs. There are various reasons for this. The simplest explanation is that the abuse placed ‘programs’ in their minds. These are usually in the form of engrams or neural connections. This does not happen in every case. The more severe or programmatic the abuse, the higher the risk.
When those ‘programs’ are activated, it is as if the defenses or drawbridge to the castle is lowered. Part of the reason for this has to do with the primacy effect of the early programming. For those who have been abused, their mind gets passive which allows the ‘programming’ to take over. (This is part of the answer to your question, “why do you say it changes the meaning of infidelity?”. When the programming takes over, the affair is not driven by a rejection of the marriage or sexual desire, but rather the activation of early life programming put in place by the abuse. It amounts to a mental virus placed in their subconcious).
In my mind, infidelity is very different when it is not a willful choice to step outside of the marriage. When a persons will has been disabled, it impacts the level of accountability you can hold them to. This is one reason that courts often determine competency prior to trying someone for their actions. If there is not competence, it changes the level of accountability.
Dear Jeff It makes total sense, that is why certain women are more vulnerable to predators/ psychopaths, and once they hooked them by sexual assault/rape they are kept in the affair because of the sexual bond,emotional abuse and fear. If you ask them would they have had the affair if they knew all the facts upfront they will say no, it is has if the choice is made not by them but by the other person. They will try to get out of it but it is as if they are incapacitated by there past abuse.