In a previous post, I began discussing the transition from cheater to healer. Today’s post continues exploring that transition with an emphasis on kind words and conversation.
Lou and I have regular conversations about words and how the right word, put the right way reaches people. Yesterday, Lou stated “When you use red, people stop”. He continued on addressing the connection between stop lights and using words in red. “People stop reading when they come to words in red.”
I had never thought about that truism before. People do often stop when they come to the words in red. I recalled another recent heated interaction I experienced on facebook when the person I addressed said “The only words in the Bible that count, are the ones in red”. Although I wanted to blow a gasket at the comment, I realized that she really believed what she was telling me. Those words in red are very important for her.
These episodes make it clear to me that it is not just words, but how they are presented that make a huge difference, whether it is an email people are reading or something on facebook. I realized that this is VERY true when it comes to couples as well.
Although I do not agree with much of what the popular SJW’s (Social Justice Warriors) say, they do recognize the power of words. They have learned that your word choice is important. Although they often disrupt messages they do not agree with, they know the power of words.
When your spouse refers to the lover as “your slut” or “your gigolo”, there will be a reaction. You may tense up, your mind suddenly shifts and you clench your jaw. That reaction often keeps the conversation from moving forward. Either you or they become defensive.
Although their word choice may be ‘truthful’ from their point of view, the choice of an inflammatory word stops the conversation. Like the words in read, the flaming words stop the communication cold. Those inflammatory terms are like the red letters proclaiming “Thou Shall not Pass!”.
In going from cheater to healer, it’s important for you to talk with each other. You will need to hear them out and they will need to hear you out. Hearing each other out becomes difficult when each of you get defensive about the words and terms used.
Although they may only use ‘red letter words’ or inflammatory words, you will need to hear them out. You may even have to translate what they are saying in your head. Although such talks are painful, they are important. I believe that they are best done face to face.
Your mind processes words differently when they are texted or written out than you do verbally. Each requires a different way of thinking. Your mind operates differently with each approach. Assuming that words are words no matter which approach you use may be contributing to the communication problems.
You will need to view your words in terms of whether or not they will bring healing. In recovery, healing is important. With healing being so important, you will want to make sure that you understand what they are saying rather than reacting. Let me say that again, “understand before you react“. (This is one of the points I emphasize in the Affair Recovery Workshop.)
If you make sure that you understand your spouse, before getting defensive, you will be surprised at how it improves your conversations. You can move from cheater to healer. Not letting the red letter words stop you is a big start. Likewise, making it a point to understand your spouse BEFORE disputing anything is also a great conversation helper.
Moving from cheater to healer requires:
- Do not let the red letter words stop you.
- Do not act like only the red letter words are important
- Understand your spouse BEFORE disputing with them
- Work through the cheater material in-person when possible
Best Regards,
Jeff
