The story about PBS (Public Broadcast System) using fake fireworks in their fourth of July program caught my attention this morning. The irony of showing what is reported as ‘live’ fireworks actually being fake ones brought a smile to my face.
I thought to myself about how many couples have been caught up in that situation as well. You may have even found yourself in similar fake fireworks situations. You may be asking yourself, “Jeff, what are you talking about?”
The fake fireworks I am referring to is often called a “self-serving crisis”. The self-serving crisis is often a situation where a crisis is staged in order to manipulate the situation, or your spouse. Like real fireworks, there are several varieties of emotional fireworks used.
There are times you may ‘make a mountain out of a mole hill’. In these situations you take a small, somewhat mundane situation and make a big deal about it. You surround it with fireworks. This distracts from the real show.
In relationships, the distraction, in all its fake fireworks finery keeps attention from either the real problem or issue. There may be problems in your marriage, and the fireworks over something like plumbing on who is on your friend list which distract your both from the real problems.
Those problems may be the increasing distance between the two of you or shame, or guilt from hidden secrets. You just find that fighting over some small issue takes away the tension.
Another popular use of the self-serving crisis is using it to jump into the affair. The cheater may trigger an event where they are rejected or the target of anger. They find a way to play the role of victim. On being ‘victimized‘, they have a built in excuse to do what they wanted to do in the first place. They can now have an affair with reduced levels of guilt.
Using the self-serving crisis as a precursor to the affair is common. The fake fireworks keep your attention from where the real action is. The cheater uses them as ‘cover’ and an excuse for their actions. They can claim that they are not loved, not listened to, etc. as a way of gaining sympathy and freeing themselves from guilt.
If your marriage or the marriage of someone you know has ‘fake fireworks’ hiding what is actually going on, you want to consider the Affair Recovery Workshop. Rather than allow the drama continue and continue escalating, you can instead turn your marriage in a better direction.
Best Regards,
Jeff
3 Responses
Very good analogy Jeff, and relevant. A variant or specific case of this is when there are some particular matter-of-fact relationship issues one partner wants to discuss. The other partner appears to oblige at first but then gets defensive, extrapolates to extremes, over-generalizes and pirates the discussion into other topics.
The anger spirals then stonewalling by the offending partner occurs. It blows up what could have been a productive discussion into a meltdown with no resolution of the original issue and now many more hostilities to process.
This happens to me frequently (on the receiving end). It is frustrating and discouraging. I feel like there is no way to rationally discuss disagreements or concerns. I end up holding things in longer, afraid to bring them up for the hostility and contempt I must endure. Then intimacy declines, trust is damaged and resentment builds.
Untold,
Thank you for sharing what happened to you. When you are on the receiving end of fake fireworks, it is VERY frustrating. The possibility that you may be finally discussing the ‘root’ issue or ‘brass tacks’ is initially encouraging and hopeful. When that discussion spins out of control or blows up, there is a HUGE wave of disappointment. When enough of those disappointments happen, it has a discouraging effect to where you want to ‘give up’.
I have found anger is typically a BIG smoke screen that can keep you from even ‘mentioning’ sensitive issues. They use anger like a big BANG to scare people from touching sensitive topics. Although some anger is natural, this type is explosive and loud. It is designed to startle and distract.
One of the tough challenges in facing it is that there are some truths that the cheater refuses to admit. One of the reasons they vehemently refuse to admit to some truths is that those truths would unravel their whole existence (or at least they think it will). Rather than face truths that could turn their world around, they choose instead to defend it with all the anger they can muster either in the form of attacks or defending an unreasonable position.
The anger in such cases is designed to shut questioners and their unwanted questions down. In some ways they are making you feel what they feel in terms of feeling ‘helpless’/’blocked’/’stuck’, etc. The anger helps keep themselves from facing their own fears as well.
Changing the topics is another way of avoiding discussing the unpleasant as well. The big challenge is that they usually change topics AND toss in some emotionally volatile issue with that change. It often throws people off. They get caught up either defending themselves or calming the situation to the point that the sensitive issue that triggered it all is forgotten.
I can see how your situation would wear down your ability to trust, take risks or develop any kind of intimacy or warm feelings.
I hope this helps you with some insights.
Jeff
Yes that is very helpful Jeff. Thank you for the insight. I know that makes sense, but as I’m sure others can relate, it’s hard when you’re in the middle of it to see it that way. Is it “fake” or real but self induced? One amazing thing is how quick they can shut it off sometimes, like when a friend calls in the middle and they start chit-chatting just happy as can be. I can’t do that. I wouldn’t even take the call right then.