Candace blurted out “He lies to his therapist about the affair”. The way she phrased it made it sound like her husband committed a major sin in lying to the therapist.
Candace was incensed that her husband, Bruce, wouldn’t even be honest with their therapist.
I wanted to tell Candace that people lie to their therapists all the time. They lie to their lawyers, their doctors and even their pastors. When your spouse lies to you, who has the closest relationship to them, what’s stopping them from lying to anyone else?
To Bruce, the therapist is a stranger who he’s expected to tell his secrets to. Although Candace expected him to open up, there was something inside of Bruce that resisted the idea of being honest with a complete stranger.
Ever since he was a young toddler, he was taught not to talk to strangers and now his wife expected him not just to talk, but talk about shameful, personal and embarrassing things. It just didn’t feel right to him.
His common sense was screaming in his mind “Don’t say anything to the therapist!” “You don’t know him!”
Bruce now faces the stress of Candace expecting him to talk to this ‘stranger’ versus his common sense telling him to “‘don’t say anything’ that could come back to bite you”.
He knows he can seduce women, he wonders if he can use those same skills in distracting distract the therapist from her line of questions. He could lie and perhaps distract her.
Candace thought “Bruce has lied to others, so telling lies to his therapist is no big deal to him”. Even though she thought it, she didn’t say anything. She knew she was expecting something magical to happen.
She didn’t know how, but some way the therapist will magically get him to open up and talk honestly is what she hopes will happen. In her mind, it’s like reporting to the principal to settle a problem between two people.
You may have found yourself in a situation like Candace and Bruce. You have high hopes that the “therapist” can bring help to your marriage. With all their experience and skills, they know ways to help.
There is also the resistance that comes from having to trust and talk openly to a stranger. Shame is something that you typically want to hide. Being in the therapist office forces the two of you to emotionally expose yourself to a stranger.
This puts you in the ‘paradoxical bind’ that comes with going to see a therapist. You face the opposing forces of high hopes and the resistance of secrets & shame. You want the healing, yet you put your spouse in a totally unnatural situation while expecting them to ‘open up’.
Even though there has not been trust in your marriage in years, you expect the cheater to suddenly have enough trust to open up to a stranger. Further, you may even expect the cheater to blindly cooperate to this procedure without negative comments.
If the paradoxical bind sounds unnatural or unrealistic, you will want to consider other options like the Affair Recovery Workshop where you can have all the benefits of a therapist without the unrealistic expectations or opening up to a stranger.
Many couples want their marriage to improve, yet resist bringing in a stranger. When you are talking to a stranger, don’t be surprised if ‘he lies to the therapist’.
If you feel that you want your marriage to improve, yet talking face to face with a therapist won’t work, you’re not alone. Over 60% of the couples who responded to the Affair Recovery Index indicated that they did not go to a therapist either.
Best Regards,
Jeff
