Although you want the healing that comes with recovery from an affair, are you aware of the danger of recovering too quickly from the affair? Most of you assume that any healing from an affair is good healing. You may also assume that all healing is good.
When you’re in pain, you view any reduction in that pain as good. Although you’re feeling less pain, your way of reducing that pain may not have been a wise choice.
When I think about pain reduction, my encounter with Richard comes to mind.
Richard was an experienced counselor who had been in private practice for decades when I first met him early in my career. At the time, while driving through Baytown, he shared some of his experiences.
He told one story of a client who came into his office, filled with pain. The client managed sobbing out his “woe is me” situation to Richard. On finishing, he wanted Richard to do something to ‘quickly’ get him out of his pain.
Richard paused for a moment in his story. “I looked at him and said,.. well, let’s close down the office, go down to the local 7-11 and down a six pack together”.
The client’s mouth fell open as a look of disbelief came over him. “I thought YOU were a Christian counselor”. Richard responded, “I thought YOU wanted out of pain quickly.”
At that moment, the client understood that it was more important for him to get through the pain in a healthy way than to find the quickest way out of it. He discovered recovering too quickly by merely reducing the pain has its own danger.
Looking deeper into Richard’s story, I discovered a lesson about pain as well. Removing pain too quickly is dangerous. Pain is what motivates people to change. When you remove things like pain and guilt, or remove them too fast, you remove any motivation for change.
If you wonder why the cheater isn’t motivated any longer, the answer lies in removing the pain too quickly.
That pain is telling you something.Are you listening to what it’s telling you?
Pain pushes you to change either yourself, your thinking or your situation.
Rather than run away from the pain, your marriage may need you to face it. Facing it means recovering from the affair in a healthy manner. Instead of recovering too quickly, you instead focus on recovering in a healthy manner.
Complete healing is better than rushed healing. If you’ve ever broken a bone, you know the importance of letting them heal correctly and in the correct position.
Rushing through recovery means issues are incomplete. Rushing through recovery means that commitments are made before any struggle is resolved. It means that forgiveness is premature.
When you try fixing it all in a few visits to the therapist or some kind of special week-end, you risk rushing your recovery. Recovering too quickly is a hidden danger in such week end healings.
Emotions take time to heal. Although I’d love it if couples could heal with a quick special marriage weekend. My 30+ years of experience tells me different.
There was a reason that God didn’t remove all the threats and dangerous animals from the ‘promised land’ right away. The people needed more strength and lessons in trust. Had the dangers been removed immediately, they would not have matured in a healthy way.
You may feel more positive, but that doesn’t mean you’re healed or have recovered. You are at risk for the danger of recovering from the affair too quickly.
This is one reason why I put together the Affair Recovery Workshop the way it is. You can take it at your own pace. Slowing down the material when you need to.
Bear in mind with many tasks, you need to know what to do, followed by several attempts at doing it. Given the personal nature of affairs, it often takes several days before some material sinks in.
This is important since a brain in pain blocks things out. You want to replay key sections several times. This helps your brain retain it.
As weird as it sounds, pain is actually your friend. Rushing to get out of the pain may keep your recovery from being complete.
Best Regards,
Jeff
