You and your spouse may have done everything you can in ending the affair, yet face the challenge where the lover won’t let go. The affair may be ended from your end, yet the lover refuses taking “no” for an answer.
Some lovers don’t want to let go. Once they have a foothold, they refuse letting go.They view your spouse as ‘belonging to them’.
In many cases, they have little to lose and everything to gain by not letting go. For them it is about keeping hope alive. They often care more about hope than about doing what is right. For them, the remote possibility that it may work out is better than ‘doing the right thing.’
The situation intensifies when the lover has mental health issues as well. They may view the cheater as their whole reason for living. Their attachment turns pathological. In such cases, there’s an unhealthy level of desperation.
In this kind of situation, it’s not just about ending the affair, it is about removing a reason for living. Under such circumstances, they act desperately. You see it as ending the affair, they see it as removing a reason for them to continue living.
You removing the affair from their live takes away the life preserver of hope. They may view the cheater as their way of avoiding the pain of their depression or torment. Losing the lover is about losing hope.
Lovers with mental health issues are trouble. For them to have an affair with the cheater required weak moral boundaries in the first place. With the affair over, those weak boundaries now pose a threat.
The easier it was to get into their pants, the greater the risk of it being a dysfunctional relationship. When the affair is too easy, it is because it’s a trap. It could be that the lover won’t let go, because they planned it that way.
Lovers motivated by desperation do not respond to logic or reason. They are not thinking logically, so using reason or logic as an intervention will fail.
Passions dominate their thinking. Strong feelings drive them. When passions are driving them, they are not thinking.
This means any intervening with them needs emotions. Either strong emotions or extinguishing emotions. The lover seeks reactions. They know that as long as there are emotional reactions, there are emotional attachments. The lover wants reactivation of those attachments.
This is why removing all the gifts, photos, mementos, etc. is so important. You want any point of attachment removed. Leaving them around only gives the lover more ammunition they can use.
The lover may start off as a contact in your phone list, yet not stop until they spread to your pants. Any contact point is a potential threat.
This means you and your spouse must work together in tackling this. The lover’s obsessions gives the two of you a common enemy and a common threat. When the lover won’t let go, it takes the two of you working together in stopping them.
It is not up to you or your spouse to fix them. Your main priority is protecting your marriage and family, not fixing the lover.
This is one of the points I cover in the video ‘Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery’. If you want more help on ending the affair and getting your marriage back where it needs to be, this video is for you.
Best Regards,
Jeff
11 Responses
How do I know if he has an affair?
Liz,
Thank you for writing and posing your question. There are many articles on “How to know if your spouse is cheating”. Some of the things I look for are:
1. Increased emotional distance
2. Change in sex life (either increase or decrease)
3. Change in amount of eye contact.
4. Guardedness about cell phone and mail.
5. Irregular work hours.
6. Receiving text messages and calls at odd hours
7. The presence of cheating apps on their phone.
8. Suspicions in your gut.
9. Changes in musical taste.
10. Semen stains in underwear
11. Your spouse not wanting you in their car
12. Lipstick stains or perfume on your spouse
13. Your spouse recently changed self-care habits (e.g. brushes teeth, uses mouthwash, wanting clothes washed right away)
14. Increased use of dirty jokes and suggestive comments
15. Spouse calling out someone else’s name in their sleep
There are some other signs as well. If any of these are present, you will want to investigate further. These are all concerning signs.
Regards,
Jeff
How do I know if my husband is still seeing the lover.What do I do.
Lafleur,
Thank you for writing. You can start by reading my response to Liz. It covers some of the basics that will help you ‘know’ if he is continuing seeing the lover. I did not mention the semen detection kits that you may want to consider in order to know for sure.
I am not sure what you are asking with the “What do I do?” question. Are you asking what you can do to find out if he is still seeing the lover or what you can do if you discover that he is? Depending on which it is, they have different answers.
Jeff
Dear Jeff I agree with your article, the problem is how do you remove the memories when the psychopath made sure he has sex with your spouse in each of two homes once , in your bed once and all your cars. They are sick to the core, it is as if he planned it that way so that if it ever came out in the open he has a further hold on you as if he makes sure you won’t forget. These people are really evil. Rudy
Rudy,
Thank you for writing. Removing the memories poses some challenges. Your description of how the ‘psychopath’ made sure to have sex in various places is telling. It also reminds me of how a dog often pees in many places as a way of marking it’s turf. The psychopath is attempting the same thing. In some ways, he is taking steps at replacing you and your memories. When you say they are ‘really evil’, I concur. Marking territory is a very primitive and base behavior.
Once a memory is in your brain, it remains there. The options you have are either creating a ‘new’ memory that is stronger than the previous one. It does not remove the old one, it makes a stronger connection to the new one. When there is a stronger connection, it short-circuits the previous one. One thing you have going for you is that you have deeper connections with the houses and bed than he does or ever will.
Another option is changing the meanings associated with those areas. You can’t change what happened, but you sure can change the meanings associated with them. At the most basic level, repaint and redecorate the rooms. Changing the surroundings is one way of disrupting old connections with the place. With the car, consider an air freshner or something that changes it (without destroying it).
If it were me, I’ld also pray over those areas and anoint them with oil. (A local pastor may be able to help you with this). There is also the option of the using Indian interventions of a sage smudge stick to ‘cleanse’ the affected areas. Involving your wife in the process would help.
Your situation is one of those where going through a ceremony or ritual with the two of you changing the meaning of those areas would be helpful. The ceremony gives your mind something to hold onto in replacing the old association with a new one. The ceremony is one way to neutralize old associations.
Jeff
Hi Mr Murrah
I meant what can I do to discover if he’s still seeing her.
I found out on the anniversary of the affair that they are still corresponding my husband left his phone on the table and her message came in so that’s how I know the same way I found out last year.
Thank you Sir
Lafleur
There will always b “evidence” it is part of them wanting u to “know” without being honest in any way. If u suspect it or something feels offf–TRUST IT!! My H of 36 yrs Hid (for the most part) his affairs after the 1st (she stalked us for 6 mths-even to the point of having her OWN HUSBAND call for mine! She got a BIG SURPRISE when I answered the ph & let him know what was going on), even That didnt stop the crazies.I finally got Yrssss of Truth on Jan 3, 2013-a polygraph disclosure-they CAN pass a polygraph based on what THEY blieve to b the Truth. God’s my Witness I didnt even bring up the untold things-for what purpose? I decided THAT Day-I was going to Recover & Heal bcause my H was a true Narcacisstic Sociopath & really had been all along. I still hoped, prayed, for it to b different-knowing ALL things are possible with God. The Lord kept allowing the Truths to come forward until my mind & my heart together could no longer deny it. Each person has to do what is right for them-I loved my husband deeply for many years & had to face the deep pain that the person I loved was just a refelction he presented to me in order to have someone like me. He did the SAME with them-SAME Story, SAME words etc.. Etc… May the Lord Restore The Marriages where Real Repetance Abounds. May Love, Truth, Wisdom, Courage & Peace follow the individuals into the new lives they will come to know.
Dianah,
Thank you for writing and sharing your experience. It is my hope that the Lord restore marriages where real repentance occurs as well. There are many couples where lip service is paid to repenting, yet there is not the turning of their ways and changing of the heart.
Listening to their suspicions is something that many people struggle with. They have such trouble trusting, they don’t even trust their own suspicions. It could be intuition, gut feelings, the leading of the Holy Spirit or sub-concious insight. What matters is that we often know before we know. Some people have just learned not to trust what they do, so that they don’t know.
I am glad that your polygraph worked. I am often leery of them with narcissists and borderlines, since they can often lie without effort and display a minimal amount of body reactions. Trusting your gut and then using the polygraph to confirm or dismiss is a good strategy.
Choosing to heal rather than get revenge is a big choice. Once the choice is made, what follows is the commitment. You definitely have shown commitment to your choice. I am encouraged by your attitude and determination.
Jeff
Hello mrs Dianah
Thank you for your response my husband will never submit to a polygraph even if it would save his own life I’m a true believer that God will restore all marriages thank you I will keep all you said in mind I pray God will continue to bless you and your family.I also know what the power of prayer can do I won’t stop praying.
Thank you
Lafleur