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IMG_1107You and your spouse may have done everything you can in ending the affair, yet face the challenge where the lover won't let go. The affair may be ended from your end, yet the lover refuses taking "no" for an answer.

Some lovers don't want to let go. Once they have a foothold, they refuse letting go.They view your spouse as 'belonging to them'.

In many cases, they have little to lose and everything to gain by not letting go. For them it is about keeping hope alive. They often care more about hope than about doing what is right. For them, the remote possibility that it may work out is better than 'doing the right thing.'

The situation intensifies when the lover has mental health issues as well. They may view the cheater as their whole reason for living. Their attachment turns pathological. In such cases, there's an unhealthy level of desperation.

In this kind of situation, it's not just about ending the affair, it is about removing a reason for living. Under such circumstances, they act desperately. You see it as ending the affair, they see it as removing a reason for them to continue living.

You removing the affair from their live takes away the life preserver of hope. They may view the cheater as their way of avoiding the pain of their depression or torment. Losing the lover is about losing hope.

Lovers with mental health issues are trouble. For them to have an affair with the cheater required weak moral boundaries in the first place. With the affair over, those weak boundaries now pose a threat.

The easier it was to get into their pants, the greater the risk of it being a dysfunctional relationship. When the affair is too easy, it is because it's a trap. It could be that the lover won't let go, because they planned it that way.

Lovers motivated by desperation do not respond to logic or reason. They are not thinking logically, so using reason or logic as an intervention will fail.

Passions dominate their thinking. Strong feelings drive them. When passions are driving them, they are not thinking.

This means any intervening with them needs emotions. Either strong emotions or extinguishing emotions. The lover  seeks reactions. They know that as long as there are emotional reactions, there are emotional attachments. The lover wants reactivation of those attachments.

This is why removing all the gifts, photos, mementos, etc. is so important. You want any point of attachment removed. Leaving them around only gives the lover more ammunition they can use.

The lover may start off as a contact in your phone list, yet not stop until they spread to your pants. Any contact point is a potential threat.

This means you and your spouse must work together in tackling this.  The lover's obsessions gives the two of you a common enemy and a common threat. When the lover won't let go, it takes the two of you working together in stopping them.

It is not up to you or your spouse to fix them. Your main priority is protecting your marriage and family, not fixing the lover.

This is one of the points I cover in the video 'Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery'. If you want more help on ending the affair and getting your marriage back where it needs to be, this video is for you.

Best Regards,

Jeff