You may be surprised learning the connection between lame brains and affairs. It may surprise you discovering that a link exists at all.
Growing up I often heard the term “lame brain“. Typically the term was used in labeling people or their behaviors when they were a little off or as an insult. While growing up, it was mostly used as an insult. Across playgrounds of America, you often heard, “Quit being a lame brain!” or “You’re acting like a lame brain.”
I had viewed the term as a playground insult until I attended a training seminar taught by a brain specialist, Dr. Charles Golden in the mid-eighties. While he was explaining brain functioning, the realization hit me while sitting in the audience, “Lame brain isn’t just an insult, it’s a real condition!”
The sobering reality discovering that some people’s brains don’t work right had me rethinking many things. All the pieces are there, they just don’t work correctly. It’s not about being lazy, their brains don’t process situations correctly. When your brain doesn’t process situations correctly, you don’t make good choices.
In Dr. Golden’s presentation, he covered how early life traumas and some drug use often left brains impaired. When your brain is messed up early in life, you have trouble with decision-making later in life. Although brain scans show all the pieces are there, they may not be firing correctly.
Dr. Golden addressed drug use and the lame brain. In time, it became clear to me that I saw some of the same ‘lame brain’ patterns regarding infidelity. At that point, I connected the dots. Some cheaters have lame brains!
Some cheaters don’t think like other people do. Their brains don’t process all the information like other brains do. When your brain isn’t handling temptations and information correctly, you won’t make good choices.
This wasn’t rocket science to me. When your spark plugs aren’t firing correctly, your car doesn’t run right. In the same way, when your brain isn’t firing correctly, it doesn’t run right or think right either.
Lame brains don’t recognize temptations for what they are. They don’t see the danger. Lame brains don’t foresee consequences.
This also means that using confrontations and interventions that work on healthy brains don’t work on lame brains. Let that sink in for a moment.
One of the reasons your interventions concerning the affair may not be working is that they were not designed for lame brains. Lame brains do not process information the same way healthy brains do. Although all the right parts are there, they may not be connecting and firing the way they are supposed to.
It could be that your spouse is not immoral, or a bad person at all. The problem may lie in their brain rather than their pants or their heart. If you are looking in the wrong place for an answer, you will find yourself frustrated.
This is why the Affair Recovery Workshop uses interventions developed from brain science in dealing with relationships and the cheater’s brain.
Best Regards,
Jeff
5 Responses
I disagree. When we search for chemical or other reasons, we just provide excuses for character and moral issues. Yes they are Lame Brains! They decided their fun was more important than their families!
David,
Thank you for your comment. In most cases, choices are made when it comes to cheating. That is why I used the term “some cheaters” in regards to lame brains. There are some situations where dysfunctioning brains are a factor. Even in these situations, the cheater makes a choice. Once the choice is made, their brain doesn’t think through all the options, consequences, etc. With a fully functioning brain, the ability to predict consequences, weigh moral issues, etc. act as a check on bad choices.
With lame brains, the checks and balances don’t stop or slow down the bad choices. There is little stopping them from the bad choices. It’s like they can’t or don’t put on the brakes, once these are put into motion.
It is also possible to turn a few bad choices into a bad pattern. You get so used to bad choices, your brain assumes that the bad choice is the only choice. In this case, the person falsely believes they have no other option. The longer they stay in this pattern, the more ingrained it becomes.
There are also situations which I term “evil”. In those, the cheater chooses to cheat, weighs the moral issues, is aware of the consequences, etc. and willfully does it anyway without hesitation. They know it is wrong, they know what will happen and they do it anyway.
Although I wish I could say that all cheating is 100% moral/character issues, I have not found that to be true. I can say that choices are made in well over 90% of the occurrences from experience.
I hope this clarifies where I am coming from.
When one is told post discovery, that they knew this was the one act that I could never get past, but still chose to do it. I call that evil. Not a mistake but pure planned out event. That went on for 4 years. I have not left her but do not see how one can truly get past that. I think they do it with intent to hurt. They become filled with so much hate for you that it is with full knowledge of what the outcome will be… hurt and pain.
David,
Knowing that you could never get past it and doing it anyway in a planned out fashion is definitely something that qualifies for evil. The planned out part moves it from evil to malicious. Knowing it would bring hurt and pain, then doing it anyway would be hard for anyone to move past. I can see the reason you hold such strong and passionate feelings about what happened.
I know the feeling David-when on DDay you find out it was planned!! Nothing more devestating-The Deliberatness is really the undoing. My “h” even went as far as saying “it was sleazy & i loved every minute of it.” A VERY SICK PERSON-NOTHING REDEEMABLE THERE. To find out you have been married to a Psychopath (secret life came out 36yrs later) is BEYOOOND Mind Bending, Soul Destroying! I work hard everyday trying to forgive myself for going against my “GUT” instinct about this person. A TRUE Split Personality. It showed up & my attenna went UP-backed off immediately but the Switch back (instantaniously) had me doubting myself. Thank Goodness for Abuse Recovery-I know WHO, WHAT, & WHY Now! I had NO IDEA how strong, decent & loving of a person I was & still am. TRUST ME-you WERE GOOD ENOUGH!!