My heart was saddened by comments left on the blog recently from someone growing up in a Swinger family. Although swinger comments praise the lifestyle and the freedom it brings in glowing terms, his told of the dark side of what swinging brought into his life.
His comments touched me deeply. I was moved to put pen to paper regarding his testimony as a child of two parents who are Swingers.
From a young age he recognized how different his family was from other family’s he knew. The thing that stood out the most for me was sexual promiscuity.
The depth of pain from his childhood growing up in a home where swinging was a way of life continues clinging with him even to this day. His describing the effects as ‘clinging’ to him struck me as an accurate description.
The thoughts, self-doubt and self-image issues do cling to you. They grab you and won’t let go. The clingers are seldom mentioned, yet continue having a lasting impact.
Even when he tries having ‘normal’ relations with others, it just doesn’t happen.
He described feeling so alone. His normal is not understood or accepted by his church family, friends and colleagues. He is in a ‘no man’s land’. A place that sits between condemnation from the church and apathy from ‘normal society’ for what was one do in bedrooms.
Clingers are part of life. They are there whether you want them or not. These unintended effects stay with you.
In the part of Texas where I live, people often collide with roaming deer. The carcasses lay on the sides of the road where they rot, until curious boys find their skulls of interest. My sons are some of those intrigued by deer skulls they find.
The problem with the deer skulls is that they have their share of ‘clingers’ as well. With deer skulls, one of the clingers is the odor that goes with them. On handling them, the odor covers your hands and anything else it comes in contact with.
Even with repeated hand washings, the odor continues clinging, although less pungent over time.
There are also clingers with swinging as well. The lifestyle brings these clingers with it.
Some clingers are emotional. The emotional bonding that happens does not automatically go away when the fun is over. A woman in a lifestyle relationship may think she is just a one-time experiment to the man involved. When intercourse with another woman or women happens, she must adjust to this new reality.
The emotional clingers happen subconsciously. He has moved on and she’s left behind trying to figure out what happened to her feelings of love for him.
Those connections remain over time. The “Wham, bam, thank you mam” approach does not work. Relationships are formed which don’t end when the party is over.
Those you sleep with become a part of you and you become a part of them. Unlike a night of cards that ends when the game is over, the bonds formed in swinging keep you connected long after the fun is over. If you like the people, this may not be problematic.
If you don’t like the people you slept with or they becomes obsessed with you, the nightmare never ends. The clingers stay with you and no amount of hand washing or dodging them makes them go away. Due to the intensity, you can’t just forget them or put them out of your mind.
There are also emotional scars. No matter how many times you tell yourself that it was “fun”, a nagging remains in the back of your mind telling you “it ain’t natural”. Staying busy and making it look cool drowns out the nagging, but never silences it.
There is also the clinging scar left on your sexuality. Sex is no longer about love. Any association of love with sex is permanently altered. You can try all kinds of word games to change this. Like the hand washing, the stink may fade, yet continues long after the swinging ended.
There are also secondary consequences (or unintended consequences) that come with swingers. These are the effects swinging has on your children and other family members. While swingers are indulging themselves, the shock waves of what they are doing continues touching everyone in their social universe.
Many times, the affections, attention and love given to others means that someone else is being cheated. Someone in their social universe is being shorted in terms of their relationship needs.
In some cases, the bond formed with strangers takes up all of a swingers free time and resources. This can lead to neglect in existing relationships; including your children or spouse.
Clingers are part of the packaged deal that comes with swingers and swinging.
If you are looking for help dealing with the relationship trauma that often comes with swinging, you’ll want to watch the “Overcoming Relationship Trauma for Swingers” now available.
Best Regards,
Jeff
