Chances are you have been told “Don’t freak out!” by someone. When you were facing the D-Day crisis or uncovering some other news, it can trigger strong emotional reactions. Those strong reactions are natural.
If you were not told “Don’t freak out!”, it could have been “Don’t have a cow!” , “Don’t loose it!” or “Don’t get mad at me!” There are other variations of this message and they all share some common elements.
I recall the first time I encountered the term “Freak Out”. At the time, I was fascinated with my uncle’s record collection. In going through the albums, there was a multi-colored, psychedelic cover with the phrase “Freak Out” in a bubble, as if spoken by the musician.
Although that was my first encounter with “Freak Out!“, it was definitely not my last. I heard the term with greater frequency and in more places. Typically it has the command “Don’t” attached to it, and used in an awkward attempt at calming people down.
I have watched couples facing a crisis, and at just the point where emotions kick in, one spouse tries dumping cold water on things by issuing the command “Don’t Freak Out!” When I hear it, I shake my head, knowing a HUGE mistake is being made.
First, they are commands. Being given a command during a moment when you have a surge of emotion is a recipe for disaster, especially when done this way. (I covered the danger of negative commands in the webinar “Why wasn’t I Enough”).
Second, the person saying it, is expressing their discomfort with your emotions. They may have been the cause and now they do not want you to express them. There is a twisted logic in creating a crisis and then running for cover when the emotions blow.
Third, even if the person telling you “Don’t freak out!” has good intentions, telling you such a statement at this time shuts down communication.
Fourth, telling your spouse “Don’t freak out!” is dehumanizing. Their reaction is a natural human response. Expecting them to have no reaction or handle such news with minimal reaction is inhuman. You’re expecting them to be robotic and controlled rather than being human.
If you’re telling your spouse “Don’t freak out!”, you’re making the situation worse. This command short circuits any discussion of emotions. It also blocks any problem solving between the two of you.
When your spouse is freaking out, they’re vulnerable. The time they need you most is when they’re at their worst. They need you in soothing themselves down. (I address why your spouse needs you in soothing themselves in the “Affair Crisis” webinar).
Shutting them up with snarky comments and then shutting down any conversation is a self-destructive move. Some of their reaction that you are running from is actually something you need for your own healing.
In addition to making things worse, you’re statement is likely a selfish sentiment. When you say this to your spouse on them finding out about the affair, it’s definitely selfish.
The emotional reaction is part of natural consequences. The one who needs calm is you. Freaking out about your spouse freaking out is unnatural.
You need better ways of dealing with volatility. If you can’t handle your spouse’s emotions, you should’ve thought twice about the affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff
