Sooner or later as you deal with the affair issues, you’ll encounter frustration. One of the challenges you’ll experience is when you first encounter frustration.
Frustration is that sensation of being ‘blocked’. Typically you feel blocked from something that is important for you.
Your first encounter with frustration is experiential. You will find yourself being frustrated before you discuss the frustration. You’ll be blocked or hindered in some way. You spouse will know just what to say and say it in a way that frustrates the ‘tar out of you’.
You may even think that they are doing it on purpose. Occasionally they may. My experience is that spouses frustrate each other in awkward attempts of letting each other know what they are experiencing. Your spouse makes you feel what they are feeling.
When you realize what is going on, you learn not to take it personally and begin opening up communication. The temptation to take it personally is strong. Lashing out at your spouse at this time sabotages communication between the two of you.
The challenging question is then, “How do you deal with frustrations?”. You may find yourself angry. The common response is is using anger to blast through the frustrating obstacle. That anger can easily change from an emotional experience into aggression (also known as the frustration-aggression theory).
You’ll find the use of anger or aggression becomes a no-win. The anger only pushes away people when you need them. Aggression may get you what you want in the short run, yet end up alienating your spouse and damaging your marriage.
There is also the self-defeating nature of frustration. If others do not block you, chances are you ‘ll block yourself. Part of the nature of frustration is that you’ll find things that frustrate you. It’s as if you become a magnet attracting frustration.
When you’re frustrated, you find MORE frustration.
This is why you’ll want resolution on those issues of frustration. Often the solution to the ‘frustration issue’ lies within you. It may be your unrealistic expectations, your limited patience, or your control issues.
(I take a deeper dive into unrealistic expectations in the e-book, “Why Wasn’t I Enough?“)
Discussing frustration in terms of what is blocking you and what bothers you about being blocked helps identify what is behind it. There are often two or more issues. There is the frustrating object and then there is your reaction to the frustrating object.
Resolving only one of the two issues leaves the frustrating issues unresolved. Resolving them requires dealing and settling both issues.
Best Regards,
Jeff
