Over the weekend, I received news that the therapist John Bradshaw died in May of this year. Hearing that someone you know has died is often sobering. For the next few moments I recalled the various times hearing him speak and my interactions with him.
The last time I saw John, his frail body was in the wheelchair. You may have overlooked him as a worn out old man wheeling around the hotel lobby. Although physically limited, his enthusiasm and energy remained undaunted and infectious. His lively eyes and mind flickered with energy. His always active mind continued engaging every audience.
One of the issues he covered was how families and couples use stealth language when discussing sex organs and often sex itself. I to myself that with all that stealth language, it is no wonder that affairs happen. When you are not even talking honestly about sex and sex organs, how can you talk openly about an affair?
“It’s a squirrel cage” John proclaimed as he continued describing the dynamics in many families. The image of the “squirrel cage” vividly conveys the pent up animal instincts and the gerbil wheel kind of daily life many of you endure.
John saw the solution to the wounds and situations as “working through the wounds”. Like his own handicap, he refused letting them prevent growth. Perhaps you could benefit from John Bradshaw by improving communication in your own marriage.
In his book, “Bradshaw on: The Family” he stresses communication. He describes and defines what makes for a functional family. Direct communication, accountability and fun are all included. He also addresses the importance of solving problems and dealing with mistakes.
Mistakes don’t have to become barriers. There are ways of making communication functional and healthy. You can learn ways of connecting. You can learn ways of solving problems, including those surrounding the affair.
Any family or marriage has problems and mistakes. Imagine your marriage working through your problems. Imagine mistakes being forgiven.
John’s legacy is a life of overcoming problems. He put his ideas into practice, working through problems and forgiving mistakes. Consider the possibility of that happening in your marriage.
When you work through the problems instead of letting them become barriers, things change. It may be time to consider addressing issues directly with tools like the “Affair Recovery Workshop” rather than dancing around issues with stealth language.
Perhaps its time to get out of the squirrel cage in your marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff
