Dan threw up his hands and said “I am tired of confronting denial. She won’t admit to anything!” His frustration showed in his short tempered snappiness in dealing with his wife.
Denial is frustrating. Like a brick wall, it blocks any forward movement in your relationship. Dan was exasperated in his attempts at moving past the wall.
The person denying often does so every step of the way. They deny anything happened. That is followed by denying that what happened was important.
Once they admit that something did happen and was important, the denial moves to any sense of urgency. They put off dealing with the affair issues. When they finally do something it is often too late. When not too late, they either play helpless (deny any strengths) or go to the other extreme of denying any emotional weakness at all.
For those caught up in denial, it becomes a way of life. They often use denial so often in dealing with matters, they think nothing of it. To them, “It’s no big deal”.
The denial is often so strong that they sincerely believe it’s not a big deal. Although it’s a big deal for you, that doesn’t mean it’s a big deal for them. The disconnect between the two of you adds agitation to an already frustrating situation.
A good starting point in confronting denial is identifying what kind of denial you are dealing with. Once you have that, you know what you’re up against.
It also helps when you know what their denial is AND what your own denial is. Typically when there is denial, it is often a trait being used by both spouses.
Next, knowing where you are at in the sequence of denial helps you maintain focus. Each layer of denial is different. Knowing what the layers are and what order they come in helps you know what’s coming next.
Adjust your approach to the type of denial you’re dealing with. For example, if they are denying emotion, don’t keep hammering them on facts. When they’re denying emotions, focus on emotions.
When you finally do breakthrough denial, it means that you and your spouse will face some unpleasant and even negative emotions. Those emotions will be experienced by you and your spouse. If you’re not ready to deal with them, you may want to think twice about breaking through the denial. (The Affair Trauma webinar may be a resource if you aren’t ready for the negative emotions.)
When you get real, it means you can get hurt. It will be worth the effort, yet it also means that the two of you will have to face some honest truths.
When you need additional help or direction, the Affair Recovery Workshop provides topics needing attention.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
For me the denial of the situation caused me to investigate and find facts of the affair. Once I had that I was able to confront again and then was met with a lot of those negative emotions you are talking about. I was also accused of being a snoop and then ridiculed for it. I just wanted the truth, but when the truth comes out it still doesn’t help the situation. Denial still happens when the truth is presented and proven, however until the person having the affair is ready to deal with it, it doesn’t matter if the truth is out. That is my thought anyway.
Theresa,
Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts. Denial can be a powerful motivator. I’ve also found that it is the start of a process. That’s one reason why the initial knowing of the facts doesn’t solve everything.
There is a denial of threatening information, then the denial of urgency, then the denial of personal impact, then the denial of either vulnerable emotions either by being superhuman or super helpless. This will give you a place to start.