How to Build Trust in a Relationship

Building Trust

As a relationship starts, it enters into that glorious “honeymoon” period where everything is perfect, there is a world of topics to talk about and each person still has exciting secrets.

During this phase, trust is simply staying monogamous when you agree to go steady. After this ends, however, trust turns into yet another aspect that needs continual reinforcement from both parties. Unfortunately, this point in time also makes it the scariest. Will they leave if you point out something you don’t like? Will it hurt them if you don’t agree to what they want to do?

Usually, the couple has yet to have undergone a true test of strength of commitment and such thoughts are driven by fear of losing the other person. In this situation, how to build trust in a relationship is through open, mature communication.

If both of you dedicate this period of time to learn how to best communicate with one another, you’ll build together a relationship of trust and honesty.

You will entirely trust their opinions and their actions because neither of you takes pleasure from hurting each other. What you have together is a zone of safety you will rarely, if ever, find with another person.

Building trust comes with specific things you can do to exhibit trustworthiness.

In asking the question “How to build trust in your relationship?”, the answer lies in specific behaviors. It is not just an attitude, it includes tangible actions.

Never share your partner’s secrets with anyone else. While this may seem like common sense, sometimes bits of information will get out that were never intended to. In such a case, the type of information that was shared will very much determine how quickly the wronged party can get over it. To fix this, confidence will need to be rebuilt so long as the other person is willing to openly try again.

Apologize when you’re in the wrong. Acting proud will only work to build resentment. It’s okay to mess up because no one is perfect. When you do, acknowledge it openly and take the time to assess how you can avoid making the same mistake in the future.

Encourage each other in developing your unique interests. As much as you love your partner, relationships also grow stronger when both parties have their own set of hobbies. By taking time to develop unique interests, you continue allowing yourselves to grow individually. It’s also during this time that you get a different perspective on your relationship you can then use to strengthen it.

Accept that trust, like passion, fluctuates. Emotions are on a never-ending circular cycle and ebbs and flows like the tides. Some moments will result in you both barely able to keep your hands off one another. Other moments will result in both of you locked in different rooms. This is perfectly normal. Just remember that during the downswings, never do anything to compromise the trust the two of you have built. If you do, you can try to restore it, but it will never be as innocent as it once was.

Rebuilding Trust

Few things are more devastating to a relationship than a breach of trust. While going to a bar as opposed to the library can begin a divide, the majority of those in relationships will immediately point to having an affair when they hear trust was destroyed.

Whether you see monogamy as a construct dedicated to enslaving a specific gender or not, it’s assumed that when two people enter into a relationship, it’s a monogamous one. The defining feature of their relationship is that they will never go to another for physical or emotional satisfaction. Unfortunately, life is rarely easy. The death of parents, high stress situations and a breakdown in communication are all factors that leading to cheating. If it does happen, how to build trust in a relationship becomes far more complex.

First of all, recognize that what you rebuild will not be the same kind of trust.This goes for all aspects of a person’s existence. For instance, you cannot survive a severe crash and return to the mental state you existed in before that moment. Experiences change us, for better or for worse, and you must recognize this.

Second, realize that cheating is rarely the fault of one person. When all facts are on the table regarding both sides of the story, you’ll find few people maliciously seek out others with the intent to hurt their partner. Often, the couple drifts apart for numerous reasons and loses touch with each other. Trying to reconnect proves to be hard and a connection with someone else happens during a vulnerable moment.

Now that this is understood, it’s time to begin rebuilding.

Start the healing process through honestly communicating with each other.

Clearly some problems occurred in the past that led to the current infidelity and hiding the reasons away will only worsen the situation. The hurt party needs to verbally grieve and express everything they are currently feeling. The cheater may also need to grieve their losses as well.

As the wronged partner vents their emotions, the adulterous one must hear them out. Too often the cheater wants to put the past behind them as quickly as possible, shirking from their responsibility to acknowledge they understand and take responsibility for the pain they caused.

Next is the adulterer’s turn. Although some psychologists recommend a written apology because the typical phrases of guilt are far from any kind of honest remorse the wronged party needs. This written apology needs to show that you understand exactly how you hurt them, through specific examples, and how you plan on rebuilding the now-lost trust in the future.

My experience is that such apologies are best done face to face and delivered verbally. The apology needs to validate the needs and hurts along with heart-felt remorse.

At the same time, the wronged party has to own up to their part in what happened. It’s absolutely vital both parties know the events on both sides that led to the affair. Without figuring this out and validating each other’s pains, no progress will be made.

Finally, be ready to let it go. Chances are the affair was a one-time mistake on the part of the other partner. So long as the both of you are willing to work on yourselves and your relationship together, along with committing to the relationship, things will progress.

It often takes one to two years. One week you’ll do great and the next week will be fraught with pain. It is normal for the pain and distance to fluctuate and change from day to day. The important thing to remember is to take your time. Healing is a long process. So long as you both agree to keep pushing forward no matter what, there’s a great chance you’ll come out together in a stronger, happier union.

For more on rebuilding trust consider the “How Can I Trust You Again” training video. Rebuilding trust does not have to be a mystery that you learn as you go through type of experience. There are specific answers to “How to Build Trust in a Relationship”.  You can know what to do and how to do it.

Best Regards,

Jeff