One of the thought provoking questions about honesty is “How much honesty do you want?” Although you may quickly respond “I want total honesty!” My response would be “Can you handle total (rigorous) honesty?”
In asking the question, some of you will find yourselves facing a Jack Nicholson moment from his memorable performance in “A Few Good Men”.
Honesty and the truth share many similarities. Although similar, there are some differences. You can be totally honest, yet not be reporting the truth. Truth on the other hand always requires honesty. Honesty has a subjective element not found in the cold, hard reality of truth.
During recovery from an affair, you’ll likely push for honesty. It may even reach the point where threats are made regarding honesty from your spouse. Threats are made as a way of pressuring disclosure. The problem is that coerced information neither enhances your relationship, nor is it always trustworthy.
You may obtain the information you wanted, yet at the same time transformed your marriage into a inquisitor/victim kind of relationship. That shift carries on into the future. Do you want them to be honest out of love or out of being forced to do so under threat?
When you’re pushing, keep in mind the difference between honesty and the truth.
On the surface, pushing for honesty is a good thing. No one wants a dishonest relationship. Where things get dicey is that the ‘honesty issue’ is a two-edged sword that cuts both ways.
When you expect your spouse to be honest, you’ll have to be honest as well. The same standard of honesty applies to both of you. Rigorous honesty is needed from both of you at the same intensity if things are going to work.
It’s unrealistic expecting your spouse to be be rigorously honest, while holding yourself to a lower standard in that area. In the heat of the moment, you may have your honesty, yet once that can o’ worms opens, you can’t close it.
The other way honesty cuts both ways, is in the area of responsibility. With increased honesty comes increased responsibilities. With each item, you’ll face choices about what to do in response to them.
With increased honesty, there’s no more ‘turning a blind eye’ to things around your home or in your lifestyle. That demand for rigorous honesty changes your relationship and changes your home.
This also means, you’ll be forced to be honest with yourself. It’s not just about being honest with your spouse. The new level of rigorous honesty means no more lying to yourself about your marriage and yourself.
Affairs force you and your spouse to face many unpleasant truths. If there had been no affair, some of those dark corners would lay dormant. With an affair, there are hidden corners.
This means the both of you will face issues of weight, body image, routines, daily activities, sexual matters, and hygiene head on. This is a healthier way of doing things, yet, there are some associated pains that go with them.
Rigorous honesty is about the two of you facing each other and telling each other what you see and what you think. Given that most people avoid confrontations, this kind of honesty is rare.
If you find yourself struggling with honesty and the changes it brings, you may want to consider the “30 Days to a Better Marriage” program.
Best Regards,
Jeff
