Do you know the difference between guilt and shame? Assuming they are the same or about the same is a mistake. You can find yourself fixing the wrong problem.
Last month, I mentioned the passing of John Bradshaw. I attended his last scheduled public presentation on September 2015 in Dallas on Post-Romantic Stress Disorder. In that afternoon session, he said many things about relationships that apply to marriages and affairs.
I’ve always found that John makes powerful connections with his audience and pithy ways of explaining things. Even when I disagreed with him on details, there are always lessons learned from a master presenter.
I didn’t know at the time it would be one of his last live presentations. Along with relationships, he addressed issues that go with them, which includes guilt and shame.
From his wheelchair, he shared lessons gained from a lifetime of working with couples and relationships. He elaborated on how “shame” is the new way of understanding relationships.
“Shame lets us know out limits. Shame reminds you that you are limited”
John’s comment reminded me that shame is actually a good thing. His statement reminded me of the line of the Dirty Harry movie, “A man’s got to know his limitations“.
Sadly, many of you don’t know your limitations. If you don’t know the difference between guilt and shame, you surely don’t know your limitations.
I continued listening to John’s insights. “Shame begins with the breaking of bonds.” I thought, if an affair is about anything,.. it’s surely about breaking bonds, be they spiritual, physical or emotional. That’s one of the key elements of affairs. Bonds are broken all over the place.
He continued, “Healthy shame leads to modesty and manners“.
His statement made sense. It also explained the lack of modesty and rough manners many cheaters often exhibit. If shame didn’t stop them from having an affair, then modesty and manners mean little to them.
When modesty and manners mean nothing, they have no shame. It’s no surprise that some cheaters find themselves attracted to trashy men and women. Manners curtail trash talk. Affair thrive on trashy talk and sexual innuendoes.
John’s presentation continued. In his closing, as he ran out of energy, he shared the nugget, “Guilt is moral shame. It says ‘I did something wrong’. Shame is against yourself. It is ‘something is wrong with me‘”.
So guilt is about doing something morally wrong. Shame is the sensation of feeling something is wrong with you.
Now that you know the difference, what are you going to do to improve things? Perhaps it’s time to consider the “30 Days to a Better Marriage“. Having a better marriage is something that helps each of us.
Best Regards,
Jeff
