When I encountered an article by Laurel Raymond headlined “It’s really, really sexist to blame Hillary Clinton for Bill’s infidelity” in Think Progress, it started me thinking.
When it comes to infidelity, such headlines deceive and mislead. They also intentionally bully the reader into accepting the writers opinion on the issue. It’s as if you are considered a really bad person (fill in the label of the day for what kind of bad person) for engaging in whatever behavior they are addressing. It’s a matter that if you don’t accept their conclusions, you’re bad.
The article also sends the message that the spouse has no role in infidelity. It is totally the cheater’s fault. In some cases, it may be the cheater, yet when there are multiple affairs, then both of them have created a pattern allowing the behavior to continue.
When there is a pattern of affairs, they are both part of what’s going on. It’s unfortunate that you get labeled for any form of accountability. Both husband and wife are responsible for the problem continuing and both are accountable for their part in recovery.
In the case of this writer, your “really, really” bad if you hold one spouse accountable. The use of those intensifiers of adds a junior high school flavor to the whole matter. Whenever I use the phrase “What you are doing is really, really bad”, I’m not typically talking to a fellow adult. Her word choice has me wondering who her audience is.
Perhaps its directed to cheaters who are indulging their desires in the heat of childhood self-centeredness. When dealing with self-centeredness, this kind of approach makes sense.
When you’re dealing with adultery, blaming one person for what happened is often overly simplistic. In most cases, each spouse contributed to the situation. Since each contributed, each needs some accountability, each needs to take on their part of the blame.
Whether it’s sexist or not to blame, each played a part in keeping the infidelity and dysfunction going.
When you consider some of the documented statements Hillary has reportedly made, it raises some questions. I have to warn you that the language is vulgar.
“Where’s the miserable c*** sucker?” (otherwise known as “Bill Clinton”) Hillary shouting at a Secret Service officer. From the book “The Truth about Hillary” by Edward Klein, p. 5
“Come on Bill, put your d*** up! You can’t f*** her here!!” Hillary to Gov. Bill Clinton when she spots him talking with an attractive female. From the book “Inside the White House” by Ronald Kessler, p. 243″
If these accounts are true, the issue of infidelity and whose to blame doesn’t have easy answers. It would be one thing if her husband had an affair she didn’t approve of.
I understand that affairs often bring out a harsh, vulgar side to people. The pain is so deep, there are often few ways of expressing it other than harsh words.
In this case, the vulgarity is not about expressing pain, but rather use derisively. They are used as a way of labeling and stigmatizing.
When she resorts to labeling and stigmatizing the cheater, it often cements the dysfunctional pattern. It keeps the problems continuing. If you keep the problem going, your part of the problem and not part of the solution.
When a spouse makes jokes about having relations with other women, it sends a double message of tacit approval. If there was tacit approval of his actions, there is room for sharing the blame.
This is why I have pointed out in previous posts the danger of telling your spouse to have an affair. If you told them to have an affair, either directly or indirectly, you’ll need to accept that.
These days, if you hold people accountable for their actions, you’re often labelled. Morals have shifted to where you are bad if you hurt someone’s feelings rather than if you were morally wrong.
The shift from morality to emotionality as a basis for right and wrong makes dealing with an affair more challenging. You become a bad person if you someone is upset with what you say. In such an environment, feeling good and being validated are the priority.
I still can’t stomach the idea of validating cheaters for finding a way to express themselves and find happiness. What they did was wrong. They violated their marriage vows and lied to their spouse.
The cheater will need accountability as part of recovery. They still need love as well. Calling them names and joking about the cheating are not good solutions. They only keep the unhealthy behavior continuing and making restoration of the marriage more difficult.
If your marriage is struggling in dealing with an affair, rather than resorting to name calling and blaming, consider the Affair Recovery Workshop.
Recovery is possible
Best Regards,
Jeff
3 Responses
My husband rejected the change of identity from single man to married man with exclusivity and transparent y and sharing that would have brought about his appreciation of the spouse HE chose and swore with a vow that he could not and would not want to live his life without…me
He refused to hear any instruction as to how that works in ways that were different than the way he was used to functioning a in female pals…yet I was shut out and denied even discussion as to what if anything was on his mind or what he would like with the future in mind
Ultimate his choices and independent ways worked to help him develop discontent and desires for all kinds of activities and friendship apart from spending effort on building appreciation of life as a married man
I think society has had a hand in impressing people with the idea that marriage is dull and not worth effort because superficial relationships and especially those which offer instant or quick gratification as more exceptional pleasure and some kind of identification as being some kind of “celebrity” or cutting edge “hipness ”
When a person is indeed of a public entity they have additional responsibilities as to how their conduct send messages and examples to others who are looking up to them
Right now we have the “fruit” of multiple generations trained without the benefit of the knowledge of the purpose and intentions of how God set up order and boundaries for our protection and best way to cultivate the larger society once formed to be productive and respectable
Children not given th information of why Gods Word is the key to wisdom and life long overcoming are more and more unprepared to respect such things as laws and the boundaries of marriage and society where law has the back up of effectiveness of being confirmed by being upheld Nx carries out when violations occur
As a public figure the purpose and aim of those who hold office in many have lost the reasoning ability of the purpose of our lives as God has provided and intended
Sad to see…who is responsible ?
I know that as long as my husband was getting away with his choices to set up a secret life I had no idea but I did make effort to try to function as a part of a couple wherein he simply refused to function that wY
I tried to learn what I could from observing him and heeding what I might learn about his preferences during his company events… A tough way to learn by overhearing that he had no intention of ever retiring!
Of course now I know that at that time he had a second family to support of much younger children
His wife and family were not going to inhibit HIS wonderful life!
He was not happy when his double life was found out..and he could not handle or endure the pain and suffering he witnessed in me and in our adult children upon his having to let them know about the secret life he had
None of our lives have been the same since ..and moving forward has been very difficult as well as all our finances have been depleted…..and we had a considerable income and retirement…all gone and going out for the other families needs
So what was I to do? He refused any counsel….refused to accept he had any need to learn or change….I geave him all the transparency and received none in return
I do not believe in divorce ..but apparently he doesn’t let that stop soliciting and trying to start yet another serious relationship….lied to the new woman who finks he is divorced
I don’t know that anything I have done is “enabling” because he has refused to hear anyone who does or had known …no one could influence him to stop his unwillingness to serve his self and have what he has wanted for himself
He’s “sorry”…but it’s all talk and even talk is scarce as he moved out and for its any communication other than about money…which is seldom
He effectively married me and set about to destroy every venue that once was our life…my life..and now our children’s lives as his untrustworthy character has given us cause to distrust anyone who appears to be. “Good guy”…..this was a massive display of a false character core
Well now. I have admired Hillary’s public stoicism about her husband’s behavior. And, they have worked it out. Behind closed doors most wives are not at all calm about an affair. In Hillary’s case the closed doors were not so private due to the necessary security needed for their public lives.
I have been and continue to be so grateful to have learned from you that experiencing an affair as the deceived partner is akin to surviving a horrendous natural disaster. I figure Hillary felt the same way. Like Hillary, my marriage has survived and grown, but not without years of strife and struggle, with the striving mostly on my part.
H
However, my calm and poise have not always at a level I am proud of. Thankfully my husband, on a certain level, understood that my upset and disrespect were inflicted by him.
If Hillary’s anger was actually shown publicly it would have brought distress to our nation, in addition to her already private hurt.
When I see now how much her husband obviously admires and respects her now, I am impressed that her public poise allowed and the healing to begin in her marriage. Like Hillary I always tried to hide my pain around others, except for the closest of friends and family who loved me. My husband’s affair lasted over ten years with most of it a long term “friendship” which he kept hidden after the first year when I suspected something was amiss.
Did I enable him? No. Did I put up with an emotionally absent husband? Yes. Was I grumpy about it? Yes. Did I drive him away? He was going to do what he was going to do.
Just Me,
Thank you for sharing your experience. Handling affairs is messy. When you are a public figure, you often don’t have the liberty to hide your dirty laundry as easily as private citizens. Public displays of rage are not a freedom they often have.
You having dealt with an affair for ten years is a heavy burden. The similarities of enduring such and experience and living through a natural disaster are many. You live through it, yet the scars and memories stay with you for a while. Some days you can discuss it nonchalantly, while other days, the emotions well up and you fall to pieces.
Thank you again for sharing.