What the “Yes, but” tells you

When your spouse gives you a ‘Yes, but” response, they are sending a message. If you don’t know what they message is, you may make the mistake of steering the conversation into a no-win dead end.

The first time I drove a car with full instrumentation rather than routine idiot lights, it took me a while to understand what they were telling me. I had thought gauges were cool, yet it took me a while to read the messages they were sending.

Until that time, I’d often thought I knew what was going on in the cars I drove. Once I understood the messages being sent, I realized what I’d been missing.

Similarly, your spouse may be sending you messages about what’s going on in your relationship and you’re missing what they are telling you. The “Yes, but” response is one of those signals alerting you to the status of your relationships. If you miss what they’re communicating, you’ll end up making a wrong turn.

The “Yes, but” response is telling you that there has been a shift in relationship dynamics. In other words, the roles have shifted in a major way. It’s not that you and your spouse are switching gender roles or responsibilities.

What’s it’s telling you is that one of you has taken the ‘position’ or role of expert. At that point, you’ve ceased acting like a spouse and moved to expert. The “Yes, but” is a signal that communication has stopped.

Although the “Yes, but” signal is given, when you don’t know what’s going on, you likely continue heading full speed toward a communication breakdown.

The “Yes, but” like a flashing warning light is telling you to slow down if not stop. It’s a signal that the two of you need to make some changes. Whatever area it came up in, is a good place for the changes to start.

Relationship dynamics are important in resolving the issues surrounding the affair. Improving communication is often a start, yet making real change involves changing the dynamics. This is why I’ve included a whole module in the Affair Recovery Workshop on ‘relationship dynamics’.

Best Regards,

Jeff

You Might Also Like To Read:

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Popular Posts