There’s no doubt that fear and vulnerability go together. On your way to recovering from your spouse’s affair or your affair for that matter, you’ll eventually have to face the ‘fear of vulnerability.’
My wife and I discussed that over breakfast this morning. We explored how some people are scared to get help. Getting help means getting real and getting real always brings fears of vulnerability.
You may talk about wanting help, yet are fearful of the changes it may bring. Getting help definitely brings changes.
Getting help changes how you view yourself, how you view your situation, and how you handle it. Help changes the conversations you have with your spouse and with others. Rather than talking about how helpless or painful situations are, you begin talking about what it takes or took to get through them. You begin talking about change and ways to make change happen.
Fears come with being real. Anytime you get real, you become vulnerable. At that moment you are exposed and can be hurt. You risk being rejected, ridiculed or being made fun of.
Overcoming the fears that come with being real is never easy. When you view the fears as insurmountable, they keep you both stuck and sick. You may want to get well, yet you allow your fear of ‘what might happen’ or what might be said to keep you stuck.
If you were raised in a family filled with fear, getting past it will change your life. Letting go of fear, if it’s been your lifelong companion will be like kicking an addiction. Fear keeps you from taking action. It keeps you immobile. It paralyzes you.
Getting past those fears requires a few things.
- You’ve got to believe that things can change. When you view your situation as hopeless, it paralyzes you.
- You’ve got to want the change. If you don’t want change bad enough, you’re not going to be able to get through the fears. The fears will discourage you to the point where you say, “It’s not worth changing”. When you want the change bad enough, you take risks and start making change happen.
- Taking risks. Good change never happens in a risk free environment. This means you’ll have to take the risk of being real and being vulnerable.
To put it bluntly, if you want big change, you’ll have to take big risks. When you limit yourself to safe, easy choices, it limits the change in your life and marriage.
If you are struggling with fears, my video, ‘How Can I Trust You Again?’ will help dispel fears in your marriage. Rather than living a life of ‘what ifs’ and wondering if you’ll ever be able to trust your spouse again, you can instead have some peace of mind and confidence that comes with trust.
Best Regards,
Jeff
