If you’ve been reading the blog here at SuviveYourPartnersAffair, you’d know that there are times when you’ve given your spouse permission to cheat.
You may think, “I would never do that in a thousand years!” You may be surprised at how often this happens.
Let me point out that “The cheater makes a choice to do what they do.” No one makes that choice for them. The betrayed does not make them cheat. I am not blaming you for the choices of the cheater.
I have found that in some cases, permission is given for cheating to happen, hence the checklist. Some couples have even gone so far as to choosing the person or type of person. These ‘permissions’ often occur in a subtle or sarcastic way. Even in those cases, the cheater chooses whether or not to cheat. No matter what kind of script is written, the cheater chooses whether or not to play the role.
There are many ways this happens. You may not have intentionally given them permission or been aware of giving them permission. That’s why I put together this checklist of “Signs you are giving your spouse permission to cheat”.
- Engaging in fantasy questions about cheating with your spouse. These may be as simple as asking ‘Would you sleep with such and such celebrity?” or commenting “I wouldn’t kick him/her out of bed for eating crackers”.
- Turning a blind eye to your spouse’s porn watching habits or reading of pornographic materials.
- Making suggestive comments in the heat of an argument like, “Why don’t you find some hussy that’ll put up with you” or “Go find someone with bigger boobs/bigger body parts!”
- Asking your spouse is they find the neighbor, etc. sexy or sexually attractive.
- Engaging in fantasy role play to where your spouse gets more attached to the toys than to you.
- Giving your spouse imperative commands like “Don’t call your girlfriend!”, “Don’t sleep with your secretary”, etc. These often have the opposite effect of what you intended.
- Making snarky comments like “I suppose you’ve been at your girlfriends house”.
- Encouraging your spouse to dress provocatively in public when they don’t feel comfortable about it.
Each of these are forms of tacit approval of your spouse cheating. They may be things that you don’t see any danger in. It’s important to realize that in a cheater’s mind, many simple behaviors mean something totally different.
Since cheating behaviors are on a continuum, some are at the early stages and some at later ones, all are danger signs. Since much of what passes for entertainment is seductive or encroaching on moral boundaries, many of these often creep into your marriage without you realizing it.
It’s hard fighting an enemy you can’t see or are unaware of. With this checklist, you’ll have a new awareness of these threats to your marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff
PS-If some of these signs are in your marriage, the time for action is now. The Affair Recovery Workshop gives you the tools and knowledge to deal with these and other issues in your marriage.
6 Responses
Sad if people do that
I have examined myself and I did my utmost to keep myself aware of how I spoke and acted to protect from such things though I know others might
Walking in the way of the Lord instructs us to avoid such statements or behaviors
Whatever my faults may have been nothing was any kind of excuse for his choice to run around
The areas I might have been most in error was “respecting his privacy ” ….he learned early on he could do all kinds of thjngs without my knowing and I was not going to pry
In marriage it’s important to be polite but not to the extreme where one spouse may hide their life as needing “privacy”
Especially when it effects their relationship with their spouse
One flesh also refers to two lives made one
Not one life “added on” to the other and the other continues to “add on ” others in some equal access!
Zaza,
It’s sad hearing how your husband took advantage of your trust in him. Many people do not understand the whole idea of two lives becoming one. The whole concept of ‘privacy’ is often destructive in marriage when misused. Thank you for sharing your valuable insights.
i also believed my husband would continue to grow and mature in the word and faith….to continue to be teachable especially where marriage responsibilities were concerned
He utterly dropped his faith and activity in the faith
He rejected any fellowship with believers unless they were of some use to him
I believed what I was taught that he would become more comfortable sharing his thoughts and life with me
I did not want to nag or appear to try to change or control him
He never shared his thoughts with me and he determined to live his private life
I know that if spouses don’t deal with issues and talk through any issue it may be useful by the enemy of our souls to fan the flames of offense and the person unwilling to deal with whatever offense and give their spouse the opportunity to know and to understand that the offenses will be piled up and collected against their spouse
My husband refused to admit there were things bothering him and shut me out
What could I do?
I had to learn what he preferred or disliked mostly by second hand ….hearing others at parties as they talked with him…or trying to read his mind by behavior
It was a stressful life always wondering what I could do to please him
I should have gotten a clue when at Christmas or birthdays he told me NOT TO give him anything !
Crushing
Zaza,
It sounds like you did all you knew how to do. The telling you NOT TO get him anything is definitely a red flag alarm. When that happens, its a signal that something is not right. The normal relationship give and take is not working. Typically, when we love someone, we want to give, whether it be of ourselves, our love or via gifts we give. When that is interrupted, it says that things have changed. It’s one thing when money is limited and something else when they refuse accepting any gifts. I typically view this phenomena as a signal that the person doesn’t know how to give or receive love.
As time went by I noticed when in social situations he seemed to “echo” when communicating
He was successful and well liked so I didn’t make a lot out of that
He was good at buying me nice and thoughtful and even impressive gifts when the days designated on the calendar required that
Before Dday.he bought me a coffee mug for our 26th anniversary….oddly I. Contrast to what might be considered a special day and year
I never made any fuss about this but of course after finding out about the Adultery was draining our finances it was evident more emphatically how shallow his appreciation for me…marriage and loyalty was…
Looking at photos before the main adultery stint of the 14 years he appeared happy and we looked like a “fun” couple
How clueless I was
Zaza,
I’m glad that you brought up photos. Reviewing photos often provides interesting insights and clues about when events happened and how change occurred. They are screen shots of live as it unfolds. You can often pick up things in the faces and positioning of the people, the focus of the photos, etc.