Over the years I’ve learned never to ask ‘What will they think of next?’ This question always has some surprising answers.
It’s an on-going joke between my wife and I that whenever situations happen that be the question, “What will they think of next?“, I instead raise my eyebrows and say “I’m not even gonna ask”. With that gesture, she knows what I’m getting at.
The latest eyebrow raiser was a statement made by a speaker at the 2016 Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality in Phoenix, who proclaimed, ” The most frequently endorsed microaggression is the assumption your client is monogamous.”
If you’re like me, you may have to read that quote a few times for it to sink in. Apparently, when you have a monogamous marriage, or assume someone does, you are committing what is now called a ‘microaggression’.
It leaves me wondering when did monogamy or the assumption of monogamy become a microaggression? If it’s a micoraggression, then who’s your marriage attacking?
In some circles taking a stand for marriage or supporting marriage is treated as a pathology. This kind of thinking implies that ‘anything goes’ relationships are the ‘new normal’, free of the taint of microaggressions.
If you believe in monogamy or support others in their monogamy or assume that the neighbors and those you see in public are monogamous, YOU ARE THE AGGRESSOR!
When you are happily married, you are being an aggressor and making those with bad marriages or unmarried feel bad. I suppose it’s easier blaming happy marriages than confronting poor social skills or selfishness or irresponsibility. It’s a total head twister and turning values upside down.
It’s another way of avoiding responsibility. Attack the happily married and view them as the problem rather than attacking what causes affairs or unhappiness.
It was bound to happen. With all the victims in society, someone has to be the aggressor. Whenever there is a victim, an aggressor has to be found. The expert at this conference has found the aggressor and it’s you, and those like you, who believe in monogamy and assume others believe in it as well.
If you adhere to the traditional dictionary definitions, rather than the latest hip variations, then the aggressor is the one who attacks first, an act of hostility, the first act of injury and the start of actions leading to war.
Who knew?
The ‘expert’ at the conference has cleared it up for us. You, by wanting to be monogamous and have a one-man, one-woman marriage have fired the first shot in this sexual war of relationships. By believing in monogamous marriage, you’re guilty of making the first strike!
Your being happy is making others miserable and making them feel guilty. Rather than confront them, it’s easier identifying your marriage as the problem.
You may be asking, “Who is it that I and my marriage are making the first strike against?” The answer is ‘the non-monogamous’ relationships.
Even though at the most, non-monogamous relationships only make up 21.5% relationships, you have declared war on them by being monogamous with this kind of logic. This approach does not have common sense, nor is it very scientific.
Saying that the emotional status of the 21.5% is MORE important than the emotions of the remaining 79% has more in common with mob mentality than science.
Keep in mind, you haven’t said anything judgmental, condemning, or bigoted. All you did was believe that marriage should be monogamous and you remain monogamous along with assuming that other married people are monogamous as well. Apparently assuming that marriage is a special relationship where you and your spouse are no longer ‘on the market’ upsets some people.
Keep in mind that some of the people attending a conference like this may be the very counselors or specialists you go to in an effort at saving your marriage. This means you’ll want to find out if your counselor like myself who believes in marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff
PS-If you want to strengthen your marriage EVEN more, consider the “30 Days to a Better Marriage” program offered here to make your marriage the best it can be.
2 Responses
I think the point is “Don’t assume things about other people.” Which really, is just good manners. Don’t assume someone is married, don’t assume they are straight, don’t assume their age or if they are pregnant etc. Just have a conversation where you don’t assume things and you won’t be offensive to anyone else. It’s easy and you tend to learn more that way.
C,
Thank you for sharing your clarification. ‘Assuming’ often leads to mistaken conclusions. I still have an issue with connecting monogamy with microaggressions. Just making the association was an attack on marriage. Perhaps the presenter made a bad choice or perhaps not. There are some very vocal people who view monogamy as a threat and work diligently at making it look bad in subtle and not-so subtle ways.
Although not assuming things about others appears non offensive on the surface, in real life, I find this approach has some shortcomings. The non-assumption approach is a good ice breaker for many social situations. When using this approach, like the other approaches, you have to know the limitations, fallacies and presuppositions underlying it. Those things continue impacting the interaction.