One of the anecdotes shared in my family is “The Therapist Mask”. Although what happened makes for a good story now, when it occurred, I didn’t consider it fun or insightful.
The story began when my wife and I were newly married. Like other couples, we were having a disagreement (you can call it a lover’s spat, argument or just having words with each other). In the course of the disagreement, Peggy grew angrier by the minute. I saw it on her face and heard it in her voice. Since I was trained as a therapist, I thought to myself, “I’ll use one of my relationship tools in dealing with her. I’ll just stay emotionally neutral. That way, I can defuse the anger and not get hurt in the process. I can stay neutral in the midst of her anger, and calm her down”.
That way, I can protect my own feelings from being hurt and avoid vulnerability. By staying neutral, I could walk into the anger like a firefighter and not be hurt. I kept my own emotions hidden and remained neutral to whatever emotions she expressed.
I learned very quick that my decision was a bad one. What worked great with agitated clients doesn’t work with an angry wife. By staying emotionally neutral, her anger escalated. Along with her anger increasing, I felt her pulling away. By staying neutral, I avoided experiencing personal hurts, but my wife was angry and hurting.
She angrily told me to “Put off your Mask, I’m not your patient!”
At that moment, it hit me that I had put on ‘the Therapist Mask’ and was not emotionally available to her. Her comment shocked me into the realization that she was my wife, and not a patient. That meant that she needed access to my heart rather than facing a neutral wall.
Her comment struck a chord with me. She needed access to me and my heart, not my ‘Therapist Mask’. The mask protected me from hurt, yet cut her off from my heart. She wanted me to feel some of what she was feeling. When I was neutral, hiding behind the mask, she was unable to connect with my feelings.
Wives need their husbands hearts. Yes, there are times you risk getting hurt by getting close. There are times that its scary getting vulnerable. I realized that being neutral didn’t give me the intimacy I wanted. It protected me from emotional hurts, but didn’t get me closer to my wife.
This raises a tough question in recovering from affairs. That question is “Do you want to get close, or do you want to avoid pain”. The choice you make will shape your marriage after recovery.
The lesson of wearing the Therapist Mask was an important one for me.
If connecting with your spouse and getting close to them is more important than protecting yourself, the new video, “How to Rekindle Closeness and Bring Back Intimacy in Your Marriage” is a product you’ll want to consider. When it comes to your marriage, your spouse needs your heart.
Hiding your heart behind a ‘neutral mask’ of wall only creates distance rather than bringing you closeness.
Best Regards,
Jeff
