At a recent public event, I went about socializing. Anytime I socialize, the question comes up as to what I do. On sharing with an elderly man, named Ed, what I do, he stopped for a moment. After a pause where he stroked his beard he asked “Why do many cheaters not leave their spouse?”
His question sparked an intriguing exchange. Most people concern themselves with “why” they leave rather than why they stay. It was a twist on the idea.
I shared with him some of the motivations behind not leaving their spouses. I told him that some spouses say ‘I didn’t leave them because… I love them’. Ed looked puzzled “If they loved them, why’d they have the affair in the first place?” He continued, “It’s makes no sense. If you love someone, you don’t break their trust and betray ’em like that”.
I told him that I agreed with his point. “If they were honest with themselves and their spouses, they wouldn’t have attributed it to love. A great deal of damage has been done ‘in the name of’ love”.
“He exclaimed, Yes! I know! The Cheater claims they stay with their spouse out of love. They tell the lover that they are having that relationship ‘out of love’, yet when it comes down to committing to one relationship, the same person attributes the affair to love and their reluctance to leave their marriage to ‘love’ as well.”.
I responded, “When you tell someone you are doing or not doing something ‘out of love’, it gives you a built in excuse for what you’re doing. If your motivation is ‘good’ then it excuses any bad that they do”.
He stated, “It sounds like they need to learn some lessons about what love really is”.
“By putting on the ‘love label’, many selfish acts are excused. It becomes an ‘easy out’ rather than saying ‘I’m being selfish in wanting the security of my marriage and having my playtime too'”.
I agreed with Ed. Your marriage may be among those using the word ‘love’, yet are not consistent in actually showing loving behavior and talking kindly to each other. In that case, your love is just going through the motions rather than concerning yourself with the welfare of others.
The better answer a spouse could give is that they made you a promise, and they are committed to fulfilling that promise. Although the promise response is better, it is not quite as romantic. As bizarre as it seems, romance has also ruined many marriages, all in the name of love.
If your marriage is in need of learning some lessons about what love really is when it comes to relationships, you need the video How To Rekindle Closeness And Bring Back Intimacy In Your Marriage. The two of you need a relationship makeover, learning what it takes to grow and foster intimacy and closeness in your marriage.
Imagine what your marriage will be like when ‘love’ really means love rather than an excuse for selfishness.
Best Regards,
Jeff
