Puppy Pooh and Grieving

There’s something about being woken at 2AM by a new puppy with diarrhea. Although I wouldn’t typically welcome being abruptly woken at 2AM without a strong reaction, when a puppy is involved, I have a different mindset. I tell myself that “he doesn’t know better” and “he’s just a puppy!”

If a stranger unleashed on my home at 2AM I would not welcome their actions with such calm understanding.

There are times during affair recovery when you’ll want to unload on the cheater and their lack of self-control.  There are times they deserve any anger you have. During affair recovery, reacting with anger to the messy part of recovery can interfere with your relationship.

There’s a time and place for anger and strong confrontations. Once they’ve committed to you, and their marriage to you, including pulling away from the affair, the rules change. When their heart is turned toward you and they continue struggling with ‘letting go’ of the affair and all the feelings they had, they need more of your understanding than your anger.

It would be nice if feelings could be turned on and off like a light switch. In the aftermath of an affair, you can’t always turn the feelings and the thoughts off. You can’t turn off your thoughts, what makes you think they can?

They can choose to not dwell on them, or feed the fantasies once the affair is over. The cheater has to go through the ‘ending of the relationship’. When I first heard about how alcoholics have to grieve the loss of alcohol, I didn’t understand it. After gaining some experience in working with addictive personalities and addictions, I now see the importance of grieving as part of closure.

You’ll have to let the cheater grieve. That doesn’t mean giving permission to say “good bye” to them or dragging out ending the affair. Grieving is the emotional and psychic ending of the affair AFTER all the physical contact has ended.

You want the affair to be done and over with. Getting the affair done and over with includes grieving the loss. Grieving is needed by both you and your spouse.

Interrupting the grieving keeps the wounds open. Open wounds are a sure way of inviting more problems. Getting angry at their grieving has a price tag. If you’re not sure of the best way of ending the affair in a way that reduces it happening again,  you need the video on “Dealing With Affair Relapse“. I talk about ending the affair mindset and keeping them ended.

Although there are many ways of starting an affair. When it comes to ending them once and for all, there are not so many choices. Incomplete endings set the stage for a future relapse.

Best Regards,

Jeff

 

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