Handling the Meltdown of Lies

Although you hate being lied to, have you ever seriously considered the topic of ‘lies?’ Although lies are discussed in terms of ‘white lies’ and ‘black lies’, most of you haven’t considered the destructive power they have until, you’ve been lied to.

When a lawyer I was working with while being sued lied to me, it felt like the bottom of my world suddenly vanished. It left me in an emotional free fall. What made it bad was the bald-faced darkness behind it. There on the wall of his office was his approval to practice in federal courts for the world to see. So when he told me that he doesn’t take federal law cases, and couldn’t represent me,  I knew it was a lie.

He may have excused his action with some fancy lawyer word games, but his game ruined my world. The faith I had in his abilities, and in his word melted away and down the drain. The many years we knew each other suddenly meant nothing. I literally felt like something suddenly melted out of me at that moment.

A couple years later, we talked as if ‘nothing had happened’, at least from his end. I still viewed him as a snake requiring special handling and kept at an arm’s length distance. He may have been a ‘friend of the family’, but when I needed him, he wasn’t there for me.

Family members have lied to me over the years as well. Those lies hurt as well, yet cutting off family members is not as easy as firing a lawyer. I’ve learned ways of handling them and assessing percentage of believability to what they tell me.

One lesson taught to me by Dr. Reichlin while I was a therapist in training was that the motivation is as important as to what they tell you. His words have helped handling being lied to by those close to me. It doesn’t excuse what they did, it helps me not get so angry about it.

In facing the affair, you know how discovering a lie shatters the relationship you had. Like a vase busted beyond repair, you look at the remnants of what you had and wonder if it will ever be repaired, or if it’s worth repairing.

One of the problems with the lies is that it leaves you scarred. You are hesitant to trust them again. You second guess everything they tell you. The sad part is that that hesitation spreads to other relationships. Anyone within proximity to the liar is viewed with the same suspicious skepticism.

There are some relationships you can sever, like lawyers or doctors. When you are dealing with lying family members or a spouse, you have different options. At times those options leave you feeling pulled in many directions at the same time.

If you choose to keep the relationship, it needs repairing. This takes you back to the broken vase dilemma where you wonder if it’s worth repairing. I can’t answer that question for you. What I can do is show you how you can start improving the trust in the event that you are willing to restore even part of the relationship.

The video “How Can I Trust You Again?” presents the Trust Formula along with taking you through what is needed in restoring some trust. It may take years before the level of trust you have in your spouse is back to where it was. Trust takes time to heal. The challenge is often handling it so that the trust heals in a healthy way.

Best Regards,

Jeff

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