As I was about to leave home on an errand, my wife looked at me and asked “Are you going out with THAT shirt on?” I’ve learned from experience that when she asks questions with THAT tone of voice, something is up. Rather than say something that’ll embarrass me, she asks questions. Her question stops me. I begin examining the shirt for any defects or stains. Upon finding defects, I can make any needed changes.
Going out in public with a stained shirt is a faux pas, I’ve made before. I wish I could tell you that I’m always on top of my game. I make mistakes. Although I don’t enjoy when my wife’s questions take that unique tone, it’s better than facing the negative social impact and self-consciousness it brings.
It’s embarrassing on several levels. I don’t like the stigma of being ‘that guy’ with the stained or torn shirt. When I can avoid being stigmatized in public with a simple question, it’s worth the embarrassment.
Affairs bring stigmas as well. They leave you in a self-conscious state of mind. Even when you did nothing wrong, there are the nagging questions about ‘what if…’ that haunt you. You may even wonder what other people who ‘know about the affair’ are thinking about you.
What might they be saying in their hushed conversations. Anytime you hear whispered words and giggles, you wonder if they’re talking about the affair. Even when nothing is said about what happened, you know it did. Just knowing what happened is enough to crumple your confidence.
All it takes is one wrongly worded sentence or awkward moment and you fall to pieces inside. In the Greek, ‘stigma’ comes from a word referring to what amounts to a branding iron used in pricking people with burns and scars. The stigma is when they ‘stick you with it’. That burning self-doubt, the sudden pain of embarrassment and the hot feeling inside when it happens, tells me the Greeks were pretty accurate in defining a stigma and its association with a branding iron.
If the stigma of an affair is stopping you from doing things. If that pain of what your spouse did is gnawing at you. If you’re unable to get comfortable in public situations because of what they did, the video on “Getting Past the Affair Crisis” is what you need.
Knowing where to start caring for yourself and moving past the shame of what your spouse did, is a good place to start. The affair may have stopped you emotionally, yet life continues. Rather than stumbling to find your way, you can stop and make the needed changes before you go out.
Best Regards,
Jeff
