It’s unfortunate that the social justice warriors have turned the idea of a ‘safe place’ into an object of ridicule. Safe places are likely more important that you realize. The whole term ‘safe place’ became very real to me in August of 2006, when my family and I were caught up in what is now known as the “2006 transatlantic aircraft plot”.
After having spent hours on the hot runway at Gatwick airport in London that chaotic day, we were thrilled to finally be making our way homeward. We were tired of being surrounded by soldiers with automatic weapons and having almost all our belongings taken from us (for safety reasons), even down to car keys and pens. It was a living nightmare experience.
After landing in Houston, even though we were on the ground, the excitement wasn’t over. Federal agents met our plane, boarded it and quickly removed a passenger. It was unsettling that even the plane wasn’t safe.
We finally felt safe space when we arrived home and made pancakes. Once we felt safe, we were able to breathe and feel at ease. After that day, home was a much safer place. It took us several days to sort out what happened, yet in the our safe place, we were able adjust.
When in the middle of an affair situation, emotional chaos erupts. Every day and even sometimes several times a day, new crises surround you or your family. During those times, you are doing good to make it through the day, much less find and appreciate a safe place.
I address the need for creating ‘an atmosphere of safety’ in my workshop as part of the healing process. Although I tell you it’s important, it occurred to me, that I didn’t tell you all the reasons why that safe place is important part of recovery from an affair.
One reason is that your brain only heals when it feels safe. If you are surrounded by chaos, your brain is only getting sicker by the day. You need that safe place in order to heal. There was a good reason why in decades past, hospitals were considered ‘quiet zones’. People needed the quiet to feel safe and heal. All those traumatized neurons in your head need safety in order to process the changes and more importantly, to heal.
These days hospitals have become surgical and treatment centers rather than safe places of healing. Safe places are not about where you retreat from when people disagree with you. They are places where you go to gather your thoughts along with letting your mind and heart calm down. They’ve been vigorously shaken and need the safety in order to become soothed.
Another reason is that many people only get honest when they feel safe. One reason they are not opening up to you is that they don’t feel ‘safe’.
For more ideas on healing for yourself and your marriage, including ways of creating ‘an atmosphere of safety’ you’ll find it in the Affair Recovery Workshop.
Best Regards,
Jeff
