A reader wrote, ” no one he works with knows the lies and pain he caused his wife and kids.” Her frustration with the situation came across ‘like an acre of garlic’. When the cheater is not hurting as much as you are, it magnifies your own pain.
It’s also painful seeing someone who lies and keeps others in the dark about their true nature. When I’ve seen those situations, it reminds me of watching a train wreck in slow motion. I see the cheater smiling and putting on the charm. Those around them are oblivious to what is actually happening.
In my situation, it was a family member. I watched them gaming the other members of the family, thinking to myself “Can’t they see what’s actually going on?” Since it was a blended family situation, I weighed out the benefits and consequences of saying anything.
After going through my share of family dysfunction (some of the secondary effects of affairs), I’ve learned the importance of picking and choosing my battles carefully. Not every situation is worth opening a can of worms over.
Although I see plenty of potential problems, I’ve learned that they are not always mine to fix. When I’m not part of the problem or part of the solution, I ‘approach the situation with caution’.
If your family is like mine, you may have a brother-in-law like mine who comes up with a grin and asks “What do you make of _____ doing what they’re doing?” He enjoys breaking the ice about family relationships. When he’s around, many of the secrets suddenly take center stage.
Do I lie to them, dance around the issue or answer honestly? He loves putting me on the spot in those situations, like he’s testing me. In some ways, he does it as a way for him to avoid bringing up those awkward family moments. It typically opens the door to some lively discussions.
Those lively discussions are actually about removing denial. Many conflicts arise and feelings get hurt when you remove the denial about relationship issues. Since removing denial is so powerful, I’ve learned that it’s best to wait until I’m asked rather than jumping into the middle of things and confronting people before they’re ready to hear some things.
“That’s just one of the Communication Secrets” I’ve learned about. The video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” provides you with other tips and techniques of handling touchy topics and situations. You know you want to discuss many aspects of the affair, bringing them out into the open. Since you don’t have a brother-in-law like mine in your pocket that puts you on the spot, you need the secrets in this video. It goes over what to bring up, what not to and when topics are to be brought up.
Best Regards,
Jeff
6 Responses
Hmmmm in some cases even those who might be surprised amidst the extended family members the Cheater is the child who could do no wrong ..the star of the family
In some ways that kind of disregard for such secrets is more painful as they seem to get a pass when their character is exposed
Evil in his day and time is often accepted and sometimes admired
It’s part of the way the spirit of Jesus Christ causes animosity as evil hates light that IS even if not spoken
A Godly character is hated because it gives contrast to the evil that has been enjoyed and participated in…..
Darkness hates the light ….they wish to live unjudged but hey don’t realize the judgment has been scribed so there are none who have an excuse
Thank you for your comments. There is little doubt that self-centeredness is a common thread with cheaters and that those tendencies likely started in their family.
Handling secrets always requires discretion. Just because someone did something wrong or is living wrong is not an automatic excuse to broadcast it from the rooftops.
I think some people assume that all cheaters need verbal public floggings. I am not one of those. I think private confrontation in love is the first option.
I also believe there are ways of confronting behavior without attacking. As you hint at evil hates the light. A person living right and in right standing often brings conviction of sin without all the high drama and circus atmosphere.
Learning when to confront secrets directly and when to confront them vicariously just by living decently is a big challenge.
I told him I would not be the one to out him
I told him that for his own self respect that would have to be his action
I don’t have any contact with people because I don’t want to lie if asked about how things are going or how he is
So no contact to speak of with his family or our past friends
It’s been a long lonely road in terms of having lost all networks of the past
I’m not divorcing so there is no exposing the situation
I hope it would facilitate his turning from his dicisons but it seems to have functioned in the opposite way
I still don’t want to be the one to “broadcast ” his sin but allow thugs to develop as he has already been informed of what His responsabilities are to God….to me and our family and even how confining to live a false life is damaging to everyone he meets
No change yet…..ten years now
Zaza,
Wow! Ten years. That’s a long time.
I respect your stand of not outing him. That’s not an easy choice. For many, there is such rage, they want to hurt the cheater, the lover and all involved parties. The fastest way is broadcasting the details of the affair. The consequences is that such broadcasting often creates situations where bridges are involuntarily burned. It’s one thing if you intentionally burn a bridge, it’s something else when your actions end up doing more damage than you intended.
Rising above that temptation is a wise move. As you said, it’s also lonely. When you take stands, life gets lonely. Friends and families often fill in the silence with rumors and speculations.
Although family and friends are technically ‘under oath’ to help marriages they were witness to, in today’s society, few people realize that. They don’t realize they are under obligation to help any ailing marriage they signed the guest book for. I don’t often mention that since it steps on toes. The friends and family instead choose to remain silent and thereby share complicity in the adulterous liaison.
You choice of allowing his things/thugs to drive him is smart. It’s a way of allowing natural consequences and or the Holy Spirit to move in his life. You aren’t forcing the change, but rather allowing it to happen.
Just a few of my thoughts.
Regards,
Jeff
Hahaha….not “thugs”!
“Things”
Auto correct and tiny print strikes again !😆😆😆
Thank you Jeff for your support 🦋