Although you want honesty in your marriage, have you considered ‘how much’ of it you want? Although honesty is a building block of trust, the level of honesty in your marriage may not be what you think.
I was reminded of this the other week when my wife remarked “You’ll probably go out and do it behind my back anyway!” At the time, we were talking about trimming the cedar trees around our home. Her comment sent a shock through me. In that moment, I had to admit to myself that I have more sneakiness in me than I want to admit.
Although our focus was on trees, it left me wondering about other blind spots or sneaky spots in our marriage. It freaked me out that I have sneaky parts and she knows about them.
In the back of my mind, I tried excusing my actions by telling myself that here in the hill country, the cedar trees are a nuisance. I even tried telling myself that I am doing her a favor removing the trees. Although I wanted to put my excuses into action, I was stopped by my wife’s statement echoing in my head.
When my spouse knows about my sneakiness, it leaves me feeling unsettled and exposed. It also had me thinking about the sneakiness some couples encounter concerning affairs.
At a conference session I attended on couples and lies, the presenter, Dr. Jason, shared that “about 10% of the communication in marriage has some deceptive element.” Although I wanted to think I was immune to that, my tree trimming reminded I wasn’t.
His statement was a revelation. Think about what that means for your marriage.
It means that few marriage have 100% deception free honesty. It also means that you will want to know what the areas of deception are in your marriage. What areas of your lives are those where deceptions exist? It may be health issues, diet, weight, admitting faults, sexual matters or the affair.
I mention this so that you’ll have a realistic view of deception-free communication in your marriage. Having 100% deception free honesty sounds good, but it’s not realistic. You will be better off setting a realistic goal for the both of you to have for your marriage.
If you want better, more realistic honesty in your marital communication, the “30 Days to a Better Marriage” program delivers what you’re looking for. Rather than struggling with pieces of honesty, you can instead have improved communication in your marriage.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
