Earlier this year, I attended a marriage and family therapy conference. I hoped I’d find some new insights and findings on affairs.
I’m often skeptical when it comes to infidelity research by most academics, despite trying to be open-minded. My quest for new research findings on the topic was rewarded. I found some studies on affairs!
The research looked at common elements of couples dealing with affairs.
One of their findings was “If relationship dissolution occurs, this is not necessarily a result of infidelity.”
The statement reminded me of why I have my skepticism of academic research. I wanted clear answers. I wondered “What does all that double-talk mean?”
Just imagine going to a therapist who tells you “Your marriage problems are ‘not necessarily’ related to the infidelity” and that’s what you entered counseling to deal with! I have little patience for double-talk like that, and when your marriage is at risk, neither do you.
No wonder 60% of the time therapists don’t consider infidelity the problem even when you go see them specifically for dealing with the affair. With double-talk, problems that brought you in, are not necessarily the problem you deal with.
At least lawyers let it be known that 17% of divorces are due to infidelity on the part of one or both spouses. The lawyer statistics let me know that when a divorce happens, in less than 20% of the time, it’s related to infidelity.
When you’re struggling with an affair, you don’t need double-talk or confusing information. You need divorce called divorce rather than ‘relationship dissolution’. You need information you can trust rather than something that avoids hurt feelings by hiding what they’re saying in fancy words.
You need clear answers and direction about how to repair the damaged trust in your marriage. The confusing double-talk answers amount to no answer at all. About all it accomplishes is to confuse you and give the therapist a reason to charge you.
That’s why I present my ‘Trust Formula’ in “How Can I Trust You Again?” in the form of four key ingredients. If you have them, you have trust, if you don’t …you have problems. These four ingredients are not fuzzy feel good items like good intentions or visualizing the two of you together.
Instead, there are clear, concrete things that you are either doing or not doing in your marriage. If you’re doing them, that’s great. If not, you know where there’s damage and can fix it. That’s the kind of concrete answers and help you need.
Your marriage is too important to hope in fuzzy solutions couched in non-offensive words. Your spouse cheated and it hurts. Your marriage has been damaged and is in need of repair. When you’re repairing things, you want to know what specific area needs attention and how to fix it.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
