Blaming should come with a warning label

Blaming should come with a warning label. I was reminded of this on receiving some feedback on a recent email. The email said:

I feel like all your advice is to blame the victim for her situation. The cheater is allowed to do whatever he wants but it’s the person cheated upon responsibility to fix everything. ”

I welcome email and feedback, even when its confrontational.  That’s part of getting real and dealing with hurts like yours. It forced me to make some points clearer.

Both the cheater and the betrayed make choices. With every choice, there are consequences, for the cheater and the betrayed.  Much like a chess game, those initial choices do make a difference. Neither the cheater or the betrayed can make choices without consequences.

Choosing to blame is one of those choices. Blaming gives you a short term relief from finally pinning things on the cheater, yet the long term effect is…loneliness. Blaming ends up pushing your spouse away. You can’t blame without consequences.

It’s a weird paradox. The blaming you hope will bring your spouse back to you ends up pushing them further away.

It’s not that the cheater is free from the consequences of their actions. They just choose not to acknowledge or take responsibility for them. They want to indulge in their sexual peccadilloes without consequences.

Wanting choices without consequences is crazy making.

Blaming is a powerful tool. I wanted to make you aware of its dangers. It doesn’t come with a warning label, but it should. The longer you choose to blame, the harder it becomes to leave the victim role.

The longer the cheater chooses to continue cheating or blaming the betrayed, the harder it becomes for them to leave the role they are in.

The solution I suggest starts with rebuilding trust. When you’re pushing away the cheater with all the blaming, they aren’t going to want to get close to you. When you become a person they can trust again and has their best interest at heart, they’ll feel drawn to you.

My video; “How Can I Trust You Again?” lays out the steps you need in rebuilding trust along with removing the barriers keeping distance between the two of you.

I encourage you to test your solution versus my solution. Blaming versus Rebuilding Trust. See which solution gives you a better marriage.

Best Regards,

Jeff

 

 

 

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