The Strange Relationship between Bankruptcy and Affairs

Today I discussed with my wife the strange relationship between bankruptcy and affairs. One doesn’t cause the other, yet you often find the two or them together. Both of them stain your reputation long after the initial incident is gone.

There are times bankruptcy precedes and affair and other times that the affair led to the bankruptcy in the first place. Trying to buy yourself out of an affair puts you at risk for bankruptcy.  Although I haven’t talked to a bankruptcy lawyer about it, my suspicion is that there’s not just a relationship, there’s a correlation.

One “affair recovery” expert connects them in terms of how affairs bankrupt the ‘love bank’.

Another expert likens bankruptcy laws to ‘forgiveness’,  even going so far as to say, “Bankruptcy laws are a beautiful thing”. She goes on in pointing out how they give you a chance to start over.

Bankruptcy laws do give you a do-over, yet your reputation is still tarnished. In some bankruptcies, you’re required to pay back your debts, even though its’ often a reduced amount.

Your credit is ruined for 7-10 years along with you having the stained reputation for having declared ‘bankruptcy’.

During the bankruptcy proceedings you lose all financial privacy. The ‘custodians’ examine, probe and re-examine parts of your life way out of your comfort zone. Dealing with affairs has a  similar scrutiny exam as well.

The ‘expert’ forgot mentioning the stained reputation and being scrutinized under a microscope, and having limited financial options for several years. I wish she had. That in many ways is more realistic both in terms of real life and forgiveness from affairs.

The expert also didn’t mention the difference between you forgiving and the cheater repenting. There’s a HUGE difference between them (which I address in my forgiveness video with the 5 W’s and 3 R’s).

Forgiveness is a do-over of sorts. Although you let go of some of the issues, things are not ‘back to normal’. The stain of infidelity hurts the cheater and you. It takes years getting back to any semblance of ‘normality’.

The cheater’s credit with you is ruined and they’ll be on a ‘short leash’ for a while. Forgiving them doesn’t mean that ‘all is well’ by any means. Assuming there is a blank slate creates unrealistic expectations.

Forgiveness  means that you give them a chance to make things right.  It has to be that way in order to rebuild what was damaged. It takes time before you feel safe ‘trusting them again’ and before all your doubts leave you.

I go into more depth about what forgiveness is along with how it works in the video “Forgiveness: Stop the pain, Tear down the walls and Remove the roadblocks”. It guides you through what forgiveness is and separates forgiveness from the chaff of ‘clean the slate do-overs’.

When your marriage is at stake, you need clear guidance and directions.

Best Regards,

Jeff

 

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