With all the emails I’ve sent out on forgiveness, there’s been some fascinating debate and discussions. I’ve received numerous emails in response. Some of the behind the scenes discussions have gotten lively. I would have assumed that with a topic like forgiveness, there would’ve been more consensus and agreement.
One of the questions that came up is whether it’s better forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve it or forgiving someone who does deserve it. My initial thoughts were, “I never considered forgiveness from this angle“.
The second thought was that your motivation changes as to whether they deserve forgiveness or not. If someone deserves it, then you are feeling obligated to forgive. In that case, it’s a matter of duty or being pressured.
When forgiveness is driven by ‘obligation’ or ‘duty’, it comes across as being inspired by guilt. Guilt driven decisions are more about emotional manipulation than being a noble reason to forgive.
With those deserving forgiveness, there’s a sense of ‘balancing the books’ kind of obligation. In such cases, it’s like someone is tapping me on the shoulders saying “You owe her that!”
I suppose that when it’s your spouse, I owe her the respect of hearing her out. In my mind, that still doesn’t mean I automatically forgive them. They also owed me loyalty.
Forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve it, is motivated by something different. Some writers label such motivation as ‘grace’ when they don’t deserve it and you give it. I see this kind of grace as a precursor to love.
Forgiving someone when they don’t deserve or merit it sure sounds like a loving act to me.
Thirdly, the question underscores the importance of attitude. The attitude behind forgiveness makes a huge difference.
When you forgive, your attitude comes through. When you’re just going through the motions with little to no enthusiasm of love, it shows through as well.
I’ve also learned that no matter how much I thought I knew about forgiveness, there is more to learn. Like studying Greek or Latin, the more you understand, the fuller the meaning becomes to you.
The video “Forgiveness: Stop the Pain, Tear down the Walls and Remove the Roadblocks” gets you started on a forgiveness journey. Given the depth of hurt you’ve experienced, this video makes for a great beginning in turning your marriage relationship around.
Rather than carrying around your emotional burdens, take action and order the video today. Do something about that burden and relieving it.
Best Regards,
Jeff
