Twenty years ago, anytime I drove through neighborhoods, my awareness was limited to “I like this house” and “I don’t like that house”. My approach to houses was simple and basic. If you questioned me, I’d tell you “I know what I like and what I don’t like”.
It was quite an awakening when it occurred to me that I really didn’t have a clear idea what was behind my liking and disliking of houses. I knew the final decision, but was clueless when it came to awareness of my reasoning behind my choices.
I went through a learning process. It was an humbling moment when I realized that “I didn’t know what was behind what I like and didn’t like”.
I started questioning what was behind my choices. I started asking questions about what specific features I liked and which I disliked.
Over time, I learned how to express my thought process. I learned ways of improving my observations and noticing my own personal reactions to what I was looking at. I started noticing details and patterns that escaped me before.
Now I can say things like “The layout of that house feels cramped” or “The openness and colors in this kitchen are soothing to me. I like it.” The transformation was gradual. I developed self-awareness of how my thinking and preferences happened.
Now when driving through neighborhoods and looking at homes, I really do know what it is that appeals to me and what bothers me.
In a similar manner, self-awareness is a quality that needs nurturing and development within the cheater. Many have never learned or used the skill.
They’ve never considered what makes them like or do what they do. They don’t have a clue about their motivations.
Prior to the affair, they may never thought they needed any awareness of what is actually going on inside of them.
If you never knew about the role of self-awareness in affairs, how can you hope to interrupt the pattern of affairs?
Developing this kind of self-awareness is an important part of preventing affair relapse. Without self-awareness, you and the cheater just guess at things, hoping for good outcomes. That kind of ‘wishing and hoping’ approach to preventing relapse is ineffective.
When it comes to preventing relapse, you need a solid plan. The more self-awareness the cheater has about themselves and high risk situations, the more successful your prevention will be.
I cover these kinds of issues and more about affair relapse in the video, “Preventing Affair Relapse“. Instead of just guessing or hoping things work, you can have the peace of mind that comes with having a solid relapse prevention plan in place, including when to ask for more help.
Just click the link, fill out the form and start making changes that start reducing the risk of affair relapse today.
Best Regards,
Jeff
14 Responses
Seriously, if getting caught and given another chance is not enough to prevent relapse, they need to go away!
David,
It’s good hearing from you. Being given another chance without there being the changes in their thinking, improving self-awareness (in terms of knowing what their triggers are and where they distort thinking) and having a plan for dealing with urges, high risk situations and temptations is a HUGE gamble. Many changes are needed in their thinking. If there’s been no change in their thinking, the tendency is returning to their default of doing it again.
It would be nice if they make sudden turn arounds on being caught, but those sudden conversions are often momentary. It’s only when there are changes in their thinking AND their behavior that change is going to stick.
I’ll be covering more on affair relapse this month. I believe there will be some helpful material for you and your situation.
My husband was given wise counsel on how to protect our marriage from infidelity
He didn’t feel he needed any input and that his demeanor was anything to be concerned about around the women in his office and with any of the women he knew
It seems he never felt the need to change his identity from being a single man to the married man and family man when the lure of the fantasy of having the life portrayed by men like James Bond and the personae of entertainers he admired were his preference to actually discovering the depth of what a faithful relationship would reward him with
He and his ego stole not only the life that marriage promised me and the kind of father our children might have benefited from seeing care properly about his wife… but he stole from the other woman…and women and the children who he had with his OW
She wanted to be a single mom and in this day and age that seems to be the “glamorous ” image for young liberal women ….but selfish
She stole his time ….affection …and our family life savings via her desire for someone to provide for her fantasy
She also sent about signing up for all the benefits for single mothers from the state even though she had a huge “income” from our family ….we didn’t want the children to lack but our whole homelife was left with a huge mountain of debts
Infidelity is never a prosperous way of life …..at least for the faithful bretrayed spouse
A woman I know who just tried to get the courts to make her husband return the money he took from her that her parents left her when he left after making her life a living hell for five years was left not only not getting the money back but a 40,000.00 attorney fees
How could the judge rule this way?
The man she had to divorce was truly a criminal
The judicial system she had this experience with is just unbelievable
She was a court reporter before marriage to this guy…gave up everything to stay home with him and his language and abuse alone should have gotten him jail time
She also have developed some serious heart issues now
Sad
Zaza,
Your insights always have new illuminations within them. It’s heartbreaking hearing about your friend and her legal bill. I’ve written posts about how the only people who profit from infidelity are the lawyers. It also strikes me how many cheaters also cheat financially to the point they can be considered swindlers as well as cheaters. I suspect it’s a package deal, but at this point, it’s only observations with few to no data to back up my observations.
In terms of lovers looking for sugar daddies (or sugar momma’s), things are quickly moving from amateur to professional levels with them. I’ve encountered a person who actually hold seminars on finding sugar daddies!
Thank you again for sharing.
Best Regards,
Jeff
You have good insight too
Since I discovered my husband’s secret life I determined to go to the Word in order not to knee jerk react and do more damage ….it’s taken me ten years since then and four since he simply walked out one day to love his “separate life”…leaving us all shocked somewhat since we had just gone to a marriage seminar where he repeated our vows!
No greater example of the way infidelity and rejecting growing up learning from Gods Word how to avoid the darkened mind and a life spent in selfish pursuit of the great undefinable “thing” to quench the thirst for experience over truth!
He left everything here ….to s of his earthly treasures collected over our ..now 37 years ….even his childhood memorabilia ….all here.
There are days I too would like to walk free of the stuff …just have everyone’s life treasures kept for them to come and get “someday”….so I have my position as lifetime curator of family history….interesting stuff if I ever have the strength to go through it all
My bad keeping things so one day I would be able to go through it and remember what it was I did for those years!!
I haven’t had the heart to approach that task until now
Heart break is so deep ….everything triggers something
But the lens of the Word of God has been bringing all things into focus as the purpose of God in Christ has also brought perspective …..still understanding about why people act upon sinful thoughts and urges doesn’t change the way the fidelity brings stinging recall …..to realize what was going on on days back when you thought you were getting some special treatment and realize it was a rouse to cover for the true reality of your relationship
Also my husband was raised to always give equally to whomever….presents for example
He allowed me to purchase the gifts for our children by way of spending the same amount for each one
Several things are wrong with this method even as I thought at the time it was nice of him to “allow” me to do the shopping and selecting
But HE missed out on having a close relationship with me by way of not DOING THINGS with me as a couple
He did go shopping for me for Christmas on his own…(I Think)
But now I realize that he wanted to gift others Equally……a thiefs form of income redistribution that has taken everything from us …Proverbs is so right on how a strange woman will bring a man down to a piece of bread
It brings some insight fo the expression “let them eat cake”…..but sooner or later came eating leads to scraping for bread of both financial and actual bread …..he is still redistributing our finances which are now down from millions to pay check to pay check!
So much for my having lived a frugal life as I tried to make sure I didn’t take advantage of our growing financial state
I never wanted to be balanced for being any kind of mercenary
So while I was being careful with the money he gave me to run the house ….she was sucking the life out of our families future necessities!
The world is at work justify evil while the God of the Bible is not judging presently ….but patient unto the intent that all men would hear the gospel of the cross work of Jesus Christ having paid for the sins of the world
But that provision needs to be RECEIVED and by faith not through signs and wonders for we walk by faith in His revealed words set forth for us …to the end that we believe and come to the KNOWLEDGE of the truth
The devil desires worship and would be like the most high ….what better way to steal worship than taking up the pulpit among those who are led to reflect being a “Berean”
Study to show ourselves approved unto God a workman that needs not to be ashamed …rightly dividing the Word of Truth 2 Tim 2:15
That command is to the SAVED ….for our protection …the present bulk of those who believe don’t study the Bible ..but listen to preachers ….who impact their listeners to fall asleep at the wheel of diary and drift joyfully off the Way that we should go for lack of knowledge and not rightly dividing TO WHOM. What they do read or hear
Wrong teaching and ignorance of Gods Word TO whom it is addressed is responsible for the deceptions that go undiscovered among believers
Saved but illiterate or taking in instructions to Israel as if to us has been quite effective to mar and destroy the faith among the Body of Christ…and in many cases a false gospel all together!
Living as a Christian but trying to apply false dividing or scripture is said in the Word to render a walk fruitless and vain!
What a triumph for the god of this age Satan who hates God who is our Redeemer and creator….and he has deceived many who don’t pursue understanding of what is actually set before us to walk with an eye to our heavenly purpose and destination !
This subject is one I have a long experience with and as I pursued the question “Lord ,WHAT has happened to the church ?…over time and study I have been discovering the answer ….learned through patient continuation in the study of the scriptures …comparing doctrine heard with doctrine written….the clarity is astounding and sorrowful
It’s like the Body of Christ is starving due to neglect of the Word ….ever learning but not coming to the knowledge of the truth…crippled by religion …assuming that they are getting what they need from someone who was taught by men but not going further to see if what they were taught is so!
I search of a fellowship where everyone actually studies and applies the truths of how the word is to be divided by dispensation and “to whom it is written ” I have been to churches , take time to hear them out…sought the preacher to learn if they would search out further some of what they teach that is not TO this church age and find after the length of time that few to none would Re search the issues ..
Some who stand in pulpits trust so much in what they were taught and how they have been taught to approach the Word and they enjoy a large following and pats on the back for what they teach they won’t risk finding out a correction
Doctrine has been replaced by social gospel and dependency upon numbers so they continue to develop people dependent upon themselves to learn the Bible
Many fall away when what they have heard has not enabled them to study and understand how they can depend upon. The Lord to bring them along
Busy lives …entertainment ….success..all steal the appetite for study of the Word and many so called Christian churches are now nothing more than a social culture with the name of Jesus and a few scriptures parroted among them
On the other side you have those who are disappoint In the form of Christianity who are bitter and become harsh critics
I believe better than letting the devil “win” by allowing the harm done to us through false teaching we need to continue in the study of the Word and the Lord will bring about corrections we need and understanding
It takes time and effort …and trusting Him to do what He promised to do in us if we would be willing to obey this command to study and rightly divide….”continue in my Word and you will be my disciples indeed”
Why not?
Today’s culture is instant everything with the least effort …of God isn’t producing then the next thing will do!
Truth replacement theology .not just the one that teaches the Christian church has replaced Israel which makes Mockery of Gods character to resume His fulfillment of His promises to Abraham and Israel
But doctrine replaced with any experience or idea that appeals to the flesh to have some kind of activity to make them feel “godly” while ignoring the instructor of our souls
We may be deceived going in as we begin our faith walk but we need not stay children in understanding
I came to understand how ignorant I have been in my early years …and my middle years …even as I was seeking to learn what was being offered to Christians
But only comparing what I heard and thought to what God actually says and in the areas directed for the ,Body of Christ aka Paul’s 13 epistles has there been some amazing ah ha moments as the truth uncovers the errors
I have seen how wherever we see a contention regarding the trustworthiness of the Bible and scripture or whether Jesus was a real person….or the most arrows of doubt have come from scholars who don’t believe the Word and their authority by PHD, usurping the confidence of those seeking to learn the will of God ….those areas of attack become my assigned study …to learn how to contend for the faith bybway of the testimony of the Word for within and without we need to know Gods answer to these things
Many won’t continue to hope in an answer and give up
I don’t claim to be any kind of scholar but I have seen that continuing to study with a confidence and hope in the ability and willingness of God to supply the answers is crucial…and it’s effectual in me over the years I didn’t give up seeking in the Word
The scriptures tell us that Gods will is that His people walk in truth…that He is seeking worship in spirit and in Truth
Jesus said His WORDS ARE Spirit …they are living and dynamic ..able to divide assumdet the thoughts and intentions of the heart ….but that is contingent upon us being willing to be taught by and within the context of study of His Word to us
Those who go after temporary fixes and external satisfaction will find it short lived and in the end vain
Being saved is not the end all of the purpose of God h.but believers have been given the ministry of reconciling others to Him by way of the WORD OF RECONCILIATION
Many are destroyed for lack of knowledge as God has pointed out
They have been turned away from the great purposes of Christ as the Body of His would function to preach the saving gospel that others might hear and choose to believe
The devil has muddied the message and we need to “get back on the horse ” daily searching the scriptures for in them Jesus Christ is revealed from faith to faith
If I watch another eat a burger and think I am filled I would starve….if we only hear someone teach and never examine what they say or study the Word by right division we will find difficulty to answer what appears to many as contradiction
We don’t follow the instructions to Israel….not today but God will take up and resume His plan with those who don’t become saved by Christ …when the Body is removed
So we don’t build an ark…s that was Gods program to save some at that juncture …..we don’t burn sacrifices today for salvation ..as that was under a covenant winh the Jews during their dispensation…..we don’t seek an earthly kingdom as that was a promise to Israel eventually after the gathering of the church of the Body of Christ in the dispensation of Grace …Israel which believe and accept Jesus as their Messiah will inhabit an earthly city and have the earthly kingdom
Members of the Body of Christ during this dispensation of Grace …both Jew and Gentile without distinction ..not a nation but a d Body have a heavenly destination ….our program under Grace is without sight..without our works but His finished work working in us through faith he knowledge of the scripture addressed to us
This issue is very important to learn…not difficult….doesn’t require Greek or Hebrew …..we can KNOW those Hints freely given to us by way of heeding this one simple command…study and rightly divide
It offers the reward of a life growing in faith and confidence in the One who died for this purpose to have a NEW CREATURE…created in Him….for His purposes defined and hid in God from “before the world began”
That makes the distinction as to why it was unknown to even the twelve …they had the gospel of the earthly fulfillment. of the kingdom promised to Abraham ….Paul was the apostle to the Gentiles and whomsoever would receive his gospel given to him and revealed by Jesus Christ Himself
No mistake ….he was not supposed to be the twelfth apostle in replacing Judas as some teach….his calling was distinct to a new creature …the Body of Christ …not a nation
Two programs ..one earthly…..one heavenly….eventually all things of heaven and of earth and under the earth will be under Christ’s rule ….amazing distinctions we are given to understand for His purposes to the completion of the plans He had fe before the beginning of the world!
So important to continue to study and rightly divide
My husband among many others didn’t want to continue….refused the exhortations brought to him…refused the instruction of what to do with his old ideas and desires ….he “floated down stream ” with the popular culture …seeking to please himself and others rather than God and now seems caught in a real or his own making ..pride has closed his heart to learn how to return …refusing the to accept forgiveness and seeks to establish some kind of Pretense
Which has been a doctrine brought through religion
To repent is to change ones mind in terms of coming to realize God is true and every man a liar…the carnal mind will lead one away from the prescription of faith and deliverance …the financed work of Christ and the ongoing choosing to do what is righteous by way of the knowledge of what GOD defines in His Word to us
Boy that was LOOOONG!
Sorry I tend to “go on” ..it happens when I try to give an answer which also requires some foundational understanding
Wow I just read what I typed
I am using a phone so the print is almost invisible and I missed so many misspellings and auto correct changed so many words!
Frustrating at times ….hope what I intended to write wasn’t impossible to understand although I see a few places where it’s hilariously wrong worded!!
Oh well ….it is what it is….someday I may have a laptop with a keyboard and screen I can see again!🤓
Zaza,
Thank you for your comments. I am still working my way through the long one. I made it a point of editing it (I want to make you and I look good). I am also fascinated by family history. Although I’d love to comment on some of the theological points you brought up, I’ll hold of, since my focus is on helping others overcome infidelity. Going to the word and relying on prayer are helpful in many cases.
Adultery is tricky in that for some the Word gives hope, yet others feel condemned and dirty. Sexual behavior has a way of striking nerves. When you add the Bible into the mix, it triggers strong reactions in some people.
Sexual behavior like adultery is one of those things that often drive people to put their Bibles away, just at the time they need it.
I printed out your last response, which was six pages. It will take me a while to digest it, since you often bring up thought provoking matters.
I hope your weekend goes well
Jeff
You are so kind.
I am so verbose!
Thank you for your consideration Jeff
Stay cool in this summer heat wave 😎
Zaza,
I am doing my best to stay cool, especially after we had several triple digit days here.
Same here but it’s beginning to cool a little😳
Use those neckerchief with the gel beads inside
Soak them and the beads swell with water
Tied around your neck they cool the whole body as the carotid artery does something to effect the whole body temp
Genius if you must go out anywhere
I think they sell them in sporting goods stores for hiking
Zaza,
I was surprised seeing the high temps in your part of the country. I am not used to those kind of temps where you’re at. Stay cool.
Best Regards,
Jeff
Well I agree the cheater needs adjustments, but if they are unable to make that change when given a second chance, they need to go far away. Normal people (which I doubt they are) once seeing the pain they caused, should easily not do it again.
David,
Being unable or unwilling to make changes after a second chance raises some problems. There is some debate as whether those with Narcissistic qualities have the ability to empathize with others. Even in Scripture, there are references to people losing their capacity to love, which I often wonder is a reference to the loss of ability to empathize.
Your statement, ‘they should easily not do it again’ is solid. If someone has empathy (or conscience) should not EASILY do it again. When they do it too easily, it shows a lack of emotional investment for some reason. They either don’t or can’t invest.
As to whether they deserve a third or fourth chance…I’m not sure where I stand on that. There are many factors to consider. I do know that when you have serial affair situation, you are more than likely dealing with an addictive issue which if there’s childhood abuse in their background makes it more complicated.
Best Regards,
Jeff
David
I’m so sorry you have had such experience that brings us to this site .There are far too many willing to follow the cultural insistence upon self indulgence rather than learn what fidelity offers both in the short term and long run
May you be comforted and strengthened by the wisdom we gain from the right division of the scriptures
I don’t know if you are a believer but one thing I have found is that the wisdom of the Word of God is what has been the help in many disciplines that bring that wisdom even if it’s not aknoliedged by the various venues
Truth is truth period….but in some cases apart from the faith that is grounded in the gospel taught by Paul that Jesus gave him may get diluted or even twisted
Sincerity is no guareentee for truth but all that we are hearing or reading needs to be compared to the all scripture “breathed ” by God and recorded by faithful ..”holy men moved by the Holy Spirit ” and preserved by the God who intended for man to read and know His heart
May your healing continue …