Handling grief is a big part of dealing with affairs. Grief is not one of those fun or exciting issues to deal with. Although it’s not fun, it’s necessary.
There was a time that I thought to myself that I could fast-track grief after a major loss in my life, when my father-in-law died. I assumed that since I was a therapist, I knew what was coming and how to deal with it.
I assumed that all that knowledge meant I could fast track the grief. I thought I could drive past the pain quickly. I don’t like hurting and thought that it was possible to move through the pain of grieving after a family member died.
I didn’t want to go through all the messy emotions that come with grief and loss. My strategy at that time consisted of using a touch and go approach. I would touch on the issues ever so briefly and then quickly move on.
My strategy didn’t work. I still had to go through the grief.
I ended up hurting and going through all the pain of the grief. My shortcut strategy didn’t work.
The incident taught me that I can’t take short cuts with grief and couldn’t speed past it. I still had to face and go through the discomfort and painful experience.
You may be trying to take a short cut with grief as well. Abusing alcohol or drugs are popular short cuts, yet they eventually bring you down to an even worse place.
With an affair, you lost something. You will grieve that loss. It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when.
After a loss, grieving is part of readjusting to a changed life.
You may try stuffing your feelings. The problem with stuffing feelings of loss is that it comes out sideways. You end up gaining more weight, either physically or emotionally.
There are no good short cuts in dealing with grief. They only numb the pain temporarily.
You’ll eventually have to face all the grief, whether you were at fault with the affair or not. The changes the affair brought means you lost some things. You can’t escape facing those loses.
Although there are no short cuts, you can learn effective ways of facing it and working through it. In the video, “Overcoming Affair Trauma“, I cover what you need as you deal with those uncomfortable emotions. You can’t escape them, but they don’t have to overwhelm you either. There are things you can do in making your way through them.
Best Regards,
Jeff
