Something is compelling me for a return to the “I didn’t learn anything new” comment left by a reader. In thinking through the feedback, it struck me that the search for the ‘new and improved’ creates problems.
Rather than trusting ‘tried and true’ approaches, many want the ‘new and improved’. That search for the ‘new and improved’ is likely what contributed to the affair in the first place.
The search for new and improved combines both a creation of dissatisfaction along with instilling fantasies about what new things will bring.
Advertisers work at creating dissatisfaction. They want you to go for the ‘new and improved’. They know that keeping you dissatisfied translates into sales for them.
They often want you to equate new with effortless and easy.
Affairs as a whole is about the search for something new. The cheater wants new adventures, new excitement and new love. Rather than doing maintenance on their marriage and overcoming problems, they instead look for something new.
The allure of anything new is appealing. Whether it’s a new car, new home, or new gadget. When something is new, you want to play with it. The initial excitement keeps you fascinated for a while.
When it comes to affairs, the ‘new‘ is more about entertainment. The cheater enjoys being fascinated and entertained. They are looking for sensual stimulation.
The trouble is that the disease of ‘seeking the new’ is not limited to the cheater. It’s likely that both of you are infected with the disease of seeking after the new. You want some ‘new’ way of dealing with the cheater.
There’s merit in taking a new approach in terms of doing things different. Doing the same old thing gives the same old results. You have some changes to make.
You’ll also need new ways of looking at your situation. Although the idea of instantly changing things, the reality is that even new insights require effort.
Your mind fights making those changes. That fight is called ‘resistance’.
What makes dealing with affair trauma a struggle is overcoming your resistance. The resistance is a natural phenomena that has to be overcome. In overcoming resistance, there are no quick and easy shortcuts.
It takes work considering ‘What am I supposed to learn from this situation?’
When your world is falling apart, to sit down and ask, “What am I supposed to learn from this?” is counter-intuitive.
It takes work transforming resentments into gratitude. It takes work changing attitudes.
I find that even when you are willing to make those changes, you may not know where to start or what to change. This is where the video on “Overcoming Affair Trauma” comes in. It guides you in knowing what to change and starting those changes.
Once you make those changes, that’s when you’ll see things in a new light and have a new attitude.
Best Regards,
Jeff
