Have you ever noticed the double-standard society has when it comes to talking about affairs and their trauma? That double-standard jumped out at me brighter than the neon lights at a Texas hill country ice house.
While attending a funeral in Houston, pastor John Morgan encouraged the grieving family to talk about their loved one. He pointed out how it helps talking about fond memories and what will be missed.
After pondering his words a few days, it struck me that when it comes to affair trauma, the rules change. Spouses are told to ‘keep it to themselves’. In some cases, they’re told in a semi-statement question “Haven’t you talked about the affair enough?”
So which is the best way of dealing with such a trauma?
Should you talk about it more or drop the matter after the cheater confesses and asks forgiveness?
In my mind, loss is loss. Overcoming losses require the same actions.
In each case you’re dealing with the ending of a relationship. You’re dealing with losing something important to you.
Although with the affair, there’s a sentiment that you’re only supposed to talk about it for a limited time. That limitation doesn’t make sense to me.
Talking about what happened to you is important in the healing. It takes time for your brain to readjust to the new situation you’re in.
Talking about it is one way of coming to grips with what happened. It’s your brains way of healing.
Each time you tell your affair story, a little more healing occurs. Each telling allows connections to change. This is why I encourage you to tell your story. Those little changes in your story are actually signs of healing.
The cheater may think that you’re just dragging up the past to punish them. They are oblivious to the punishment you’ve been through. They probably don’t notice the changes in your story.
They want to band-aid the hurt and move on rather than working through them. Although the hurt may have happened ‘all at once’, healing happens a little at a time.
In the video “Overcoming Affair Trauma” I provide exercises and guidance in helping you through the healing. This healing like other healing takes repeated applications.
It would be nice if you could heal all at once. The magic thunderbolt of instant healing would be nice. Although it’s nice to hope for, real healing happens a few heartaches and memories at a time. That’s further reason for needing to talk about your loses, memories and hurts.
Best Regards,
Jeff
