It continues amazing me how one incident changes how you feel about people and things. During my teen years, I invited the next door neighbor, Ricky Gardner, over for a game of monopoly.
In the middle of the game, he pulled out his pocket knife and began stabbing the money. I couldn’t believe he was doing it!
His actions startled me. I invited him over to play monopoly and he was stabbing the money. After a few seconds and requests for him to stop, I took action.
In this situation, I tackled him so powerfully, we slammed into the wall, ripping out the sheetrock. Ever since then, I’ve not looked at monopoly money the same. Ricky changed my experience of playing monopoly.
Although I liked monopoly prior to that time. His actions cast a shadow on my ‘like’ of playing monopoly. Prior to that episode, I always looked forward to playing monopoly.
When you consider the things you ‘like’, many things come to mind. Although the various objects you like come to mind, there are some commonalities.
One of the things in common with what you like is that you have enjoyable interaction with it. Whether it’s an imaginary interaction or a real life interaction, when you like something or someone you enjoy interacting with them.
The more pleasant interactions we have with what we like, the more we ‘like’ it. It’s when those objects lose their pleasantness that either boredom or negative reactions happen.
When it comes to people, you still need pleasant interactions. One way you and your spouse can have more pleasant interactions is to play. Even when you’re an adult, you still need play.
Your marriage relationship is no different. You need a spouse who is you enjoy playing with.
Couples develop problems when they no longer play with each other. Play takes many forms. There are many ways the two of you can play with each other in your daily relationship.
When the cheater’s actions interrupt the play, it changes things, much like Ricky Gardner’s actions changed my like of monopoly. My monopoly play was changed by what he did.
An affair is not just a betrayal, it disrupts play. Since we only play with those we feel safe with, the play stops with the cheater.
You’re not sure whether or not they are safe to play with. Like a childhood friend who destroyed your toys, you are hesitant to share any more toys with them. I never played monopoly with Ricky Gardner again after that.
After the cheater hurt you, there’s a hesitancy when it comes to play. Since play and liking are linked, stopping the play cripples your liking of your spouse.
Getting trust back is only the start. Getting the like back along with the play is also important. It’s hard enjoying them, when the two of you are not playing well with each other.
In the downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop” you’ll learn ways of opening up your conversation with your spouse. It’s only when your conversation opens up that they two of you will be able to talk about things like play, and what you expect of each other.
The affair ruined many things. When the two of you are talking, you can begin rebuilding the kind of marriage each of you need.
Best Regards,
Jeff
One Response
This is an interesting and important issue in marriage indeed
Willingness to share important activities may overcome ones distaste or disinterest in an activity
As a believer and growing to learn how my faith would eventually make changes in my choices of activities I think about how marriage to someone who is not truely interested in growing up in their faith can be another good reason for the scriptures wisdom of making sure the person you marry is on the same page faithwise.
The differences we have interest wise may be overcome if the criteria for what is appropriate for marriage and choices is founded upon the same attitude about what is moral and what is acceptable
Also being aware that marriage requires communication which is clear and transparent helps with areas of difference .
Believing that it takes time to also make mutual decisions and realizing not everything is important enough to depart from the spouse as impatience and selfishness will sometimes cause a departure based upon one spouses personal interest at the expense of acting upon choices that will grow mutual and healthy experiences
When the goal is to grow up into Christ as members in particular with an eye to learning what is Gods definitions of what is right and good then there will be a mutual understanding that God is true and people have a need of patience while they grow in knowledge of how to live in that and in marriage to live I.in that process together
Marrying someone who had a shallow interest in making changes required by marriage would have been overcome if there had been a genuine interest in learning what the faith he professed in Christ had been genuine enough to realize the life long learning and growing necessity of our faith as we studied the scriptures and began to apply mercy and grace and forgiveness for disappointed expectations usually based upon the fantasies and desires which are not the substance of a real love and commitment
My husband and I had a lot of growing to do ….but there was too big a gap in the interest in continuing in the faith …which begs the question was there any real interest in Christ in the first place or was he just so interested in “obtaining” me as the object of his affection or aquision that he pursued me by way of professing his beliefs as the same as mine ….and doing some behaviors long enough to convince me that marriage to him would continue in that kind of growing process.
Being much older might now have presented so many discrepancies but the unequal attitude and the testamony of a lengthy walk in the endeavor to grow up in Christ with the various challenges and costs it includes would have been helpful in the endeavor to adjust to the ways marriage brings more challenges to selfish ways of loving and living
I now see in retrospect his ideas and desires were not an option to even have discussions about how his ideas were discarding even learning about how to live together
When it came to my trying to convey issues of concern …he refused to discuss or hear what I brought for the purpose of not criticizing but to be transparent about things which hurt me physically and emotionally….which I tried to make rare along with making positive and genuine appreciative comments
I had previous experience over many years in a ministry where the practice of communicating honestly and kindly was part of how we learned to relate with one another ….my husband viewed any of this kind of offering no matter how gently or carefully offered as unacceptable
My husband was pretty much the BMOC…..the star of his family and friends ….. crowned king of the prom during his school years ….full ride at a prestigious.university ….a top athlete and scholar….and the focus of many women as their ideal….
With all that in his wheelhouse he also feigned humility as that I came to see is one of the attributes admired by so many young boys growing up of their sports heros
But is say “feigned” because true humility isn’t insisting upon living life taking offense when any discussion of necessity to learn and grow is expected.
It turned out my husband …though a jolly “nice guy” and a friend admired by all who knew him….was offended by my areas where I needed to give him information about anything ….everyone but his wife was considered important to hear and please
I was fully aware that men and husbands in particular needed respect and would not appreciate criticism and tried to be careful not to be the nagging wife or picky….I saved my efforts to bring my concerns for things that were important where our marriage relationship was concerned having heard often enough not to withhold information when it came to sexual information or issues where our marriage would be at risk
He took offense but would not discuss his displeasure ….pouting and the silent treatment were all he offered when I would try to find out what was bothering him…his usual reply was that there was “nothing wrong”
For some time I used to try to understand what was wrong and what if anything I might have had to do with his apparent dissatisfaction….I would even apologize for whatever might have been causing his moods
I have come to realize that there may have been nothing I could do to cause him to return to “loving ” me….the way the Bible speaks of how the fleshly person cannot be satisfied and it takes a determined decsion to be thankful and contented
Marriage also requires this ….mercy…grace…forgiveness….thankfulness and contentment
My husband seemed never to be content or thankful
This refusal to hear the possibilities of the benefit of these things and his jew of himself as entitled to more than what he already had may have been what is part of the competitive aspect of man’s way of striving to succeed ..and in athletes success is in conquering as the pinical definition of “winning”…but in marriage in particular when turned upon the spouse it is self defeating in becoming satisfied and appreciative
The sad history of his infidelity is the evident end of a life loved striving to gain the “carrott” just out of reach
The scriptures even comment upon when a man strives he needs to do so “lawfully”
When the Bible has been approached down through the last couple of generations by scholars who do not believe but view the scriptures as a product of man rather than the inspired word of God it’s authority has been deminished and eradicated among many who grew up with such ideas….and in the pulpit as well…maybe most importantly
When there is no authoritive source for truth the moral climate corrodes and “every man does what is rightly in his own eyes” and no body…not even God can tell him differently…..behold the 21st century!