A few years ago, my wife and I took salsa dance lessons. Each week we drove to the other side of Austin for our weekly lessons.
Each week our skills improved and we started looking like we knew what we were doing. The teacher even made us a practice CD filled with salsa tunes.
One week my ankle was inflamed. That week each step and move increased my level of pain. What had been an enjoyable form of exercise now turned into subtle torture.
The dance class suddenly turned into something I no longer enjoyed. I didn’t hate salsa, but the moves were hurting me.
I recalled the story of dance pain on coming across a reference to “the toxic dance of staggered disclosure“. When it comes to affair disclosure, having the truth come out a little at a time makes things worse.
Although I wish I’d coined the title “Toxic dance of staggered disclosure”, it is fitting. When disclosure is eked out a little at a time, it turns toxic.
One of the toxic effects is that it poisons trust. It leaves you unsure as to whether or not you can trust your spouse. You’re never sure if you know all the important facts or if the other shoe is about to drop.
A second toxic effect is the erosion of your ability to trust your own intuition. The mixed messages that happen with staggered disclosure puts you in a bind. Your intuition or gut tells you one thing, while your spouse tells you something else.
Being torn between your spouse and your gut is a horrid place to be. You are forced to choose one over the other. In either case, you still suffer.
There are no easy answers.
The cheater may think they are doing you a favor with staggered disclosure. In reality, they are poking a wound more each day instead of letting it heal.
Each new disclosure rips off the any healing scab and makes the scars more permanent.
When you’ve been through the agony of staggered disclosure, trust has been damaged if not utterly destroyed.
Your relationship needs help from the ground up.
In the video “How Can I Trust You Again?“, you can learn solid ways of reconstructing trust in your marriage. At that point it’s no longer blind trust.
You need something solid to count on. This video shows you ways of building on a solid foundation. Your marriage needs a foundation since the old one’s been destroyed.
Knowing what to build that foundation on makes a big difference.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
2 Responses
Yes and they wonder why things don’t progress. Well secrets inhibit intimacy. If you have proven over and over again that you can not tell all, then things just stagnate.
Anonymous,
Thank you for sharing. The staggered disclosure dance is frustrating for everyone. For the cheater, they limit what they tell and as you say “they wonder why things don’t progress.”. They miss the connection between what they are doing and the outcome it produces.
Staggered disclosure doesn’t limit the pain, improve trust or make things more manageable. It does just the opposite. It prolongs the struggle, creates uncertainty, keeps secrets going and destroys trust.
You are quite correct, things stagnate (and rot) when you can’t tell all.
Best Regards,
Jeff