When counseling with couples there often comes a time when one spouse comments “That’s exactly how I feel‘” At that moment, there is a sense of connection.
The amazing thing is that on making such a connection, the whole relationship and energy in the room changes. The spouse feels validated. Their experience is finally put into words that another human understands
That sense of ‘validation’ and connection is powerful. It’s at those moments that relationships start changing.
The paradox of validation is that they often involve painful emotions. The better I can express the painful emotion they are experiencing, the greater the expression of relief comes out when making connection.
I was reminded of the ‘paradox of validation’ when a reader commented ‘spot on’ to a recent post. His comment told me that although I addressed a painful topic, he experienced some relief in that someone else understood what he’s going through.
There are times in your life when you suddenly feel hopeful at the moment someone else understands. Expressions like “You get me!” or “Finally!” are common ways of expressing this.
At such moments, you feel like someone is now on your team. Things finally make sense!
There’s something hopeful about when you’re finally listened to and understood. When you are finally able to put into words all your internal angst and turmoil, there’s relief.
Being able to finally put your experience into words gives you a sense of control over it. Even though you haven’t changed anything, just nailing down what you’re going through is a HUGE breakthrough in your recovery from the affair.
If you’re looking for that kind of breakthrough, consider how you are going about it. This is why communication comes so early in the unique sequence of affair recovery presented in the “Affair Recovery Workshop”.
You need that connection in order for the two of you to work together. Making such connection is easier when you have the tools for doing it. Although you think you’re a great communicator, the recent affair is a sure sign that communication isn’t as great as you thought.
Best Regards,
Jeff
