Have you ever considered which comes first, fear or the self-defeating behaviors? Although on the surface it seems like one of those hard to answer questions, there’s a clear answer.
Fear and self-defeating behavior are such close companions, it’s hard telling where one stops and the other begins. When you are surrounded by them, it’s confusing telling the difference between them.
In the case of fear and self-defeating behavior, the self-defeating behavior came first. The fear comes afterwards. You fear others will discover your self-defeating behavior. That behavior hurts your marriage, the likelihood of your success, and your self-confidence.
Your fears effect all your daily decision making. The hard question is “How do your fears effect your daily decision making?”
The affair and dealing with it, exposes self-defeating behaviors. This is one reason why there’s resistance to working on your marriage relationship from either you, your spouse or both.
Your fearful about what might happen or what you’ll do when you discover when the relationship issues become real. At that point, you can no longer hide behind ignorance.
Once an affair happens, there is a label attached to both of you that shapes how you view and deal with the world. Everything is filtered through the affair, including the self-defeating behavior.
Hiding the self-defeating behavior only creates more fear. Facing it means that you and your spouse will make some changes. Changes mean that your self-defeating behavior will be exposed.
The truth is that it’s only going to be healed with the two of you working on it together rather than hiding it from each other. This is the reason for including an emphasis on improving communication in the download “Affair Recovery Workshop“.
I know that the path to healing goes through openly dealing with those tough issues and self-defeating behaviors. The two of you need each other in overcoming the deficits each of you struggles with.
Each day you delay is another day when you focus on preserving relationships with those not close to you in favor of the relationships that matter most.
I point out what areas need attention in a way that brings transformations in your marriage relationship. Rather than your marriage just getting a new paint job, you can have a new level of intimacy and closeness as the two of you finally address those areas that have needed attention a long time.
Best Regards,
Jeff
