Changes, Motivation and Your Spouse

Even though you want to get better one of the realities you have to overcome is resistance. This is a law both of relationships and physics.

Resistance is that force that works at keeping you where you are. It wants to keep the status quo.

In my own life, the struggle of overcoming resistance is one fought and re-fought. I have to overcome resistance to exercise, resistance to writing and resistance to self-improvement on a daily basis.

Sure I want to feel better and do better, yet a part of me fights against those improvements. if you are ‘old school’ you may have called overcoming resistance ‘having self-discipline’. Although I think of it in terms of self-discipline, learning ways of saying no to yourself is not a popular practice.

It’s easier floating along with the status quo than it is making changes, even positive changes.

When you are dealing with an affair, the status quo is one of the things keeping your marriage and possibly yourself dysfunctional. Keeping the status quo may be defeating the progress you say you want.

In dealing with affair recovery, one of the things cheaters need is a compelling reason to change. If you don’t provide them with a good reason for changing, the odds are it won’t happen.

You may have tried guilt or shame in confronting the cheater. Such approaches have limited success.

For lasting results, the cheater needs a ‘compelling reason’ for change. Change is hard enough. Having motivation in the form of a compelling reason gives them an added push.

In the “Affair Recovery Workshop“, I cover what it takes in creating an environment that encourages change. I invite you to find out more.

You may be one of those spouses who wants change, but doesn’t know where to start. If so, then the workshop gives you specific steps that guide you in making change. Besides creating an environment conducive to change, you’ll learn what areas bring the greatest amount of change.

Just having your spouse back at home is not enough. You need them and their heart back with you. There are ways of helping that along that you’ll discover in the workshop.

Change is possible. When you know what to do and how to do it, positive change happens easier.

Best Regards,

Jeff

 

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2 Responses

  1. This is a moment where I disagree. It is not my job to provide a reason for them to stop. Simply put, stop or pack your bags and leave. Anyone willing to give another chance, should be enough. If not move on!

    1. David,

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic. Given the circumstances and challenges you’ve faced, you make a good point. In your case, giving her another chance may be enough. Some spouses need a clear, compelling reason for working on their marriage. The cheaters aren’t thinking straight and need a reason for stopping. Some cheaters won’t change their ways without having a reason for stopping.

      I realize some reasons for stopping are more powerful than others. It’s not about begging for their return, it’s instead about having a clear reason for stopping. The cheater may agree or not agree with the reason for stopping. It’s not necessary that they agree or like it. What’s important is having a compelling motivation for changing.

      Without a compelling reason, they have low motivation for leaving cheating. Some cheaters weigh out motivation for cheating versus motivation for working on their marriage. With such a population, you need some reason for them to come back to you.

      The compelling motivation may be a positive one or a negative one. What’s important is that they have a reason, and that you are willing to live by that reason (i.e. being consistent with follow through). Giving a reason and then not sticking to it is de-motivating for each spouse.

      I welcome differences of opinions. Through those differences, people in different situations receive direction and help.

      Best Regards,

      Jeff

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