From time to time, I’ve shared about my differences of opinion with other counselors. My purpose in sharing those differences is for letting you have options and choices with your recovery.
When you’re hurting, you want to know what your options are.
I know what it’s like having limited options from having grown up with a father who lived by the adage “It’s my way or the highway”. Not having or seeing options makes recovery harder than it needs to be.
The difference of opinion for today concerns ‘resentment’ and where it comes from. One of the people considered an expert in the area is Cardwell C. Nuckols. He has written several books on anger and ways of dealing with it.
Dr. Nuckols says that “Resentment comes from expectations”.
I know that expectations play a powerful role in relationships. I’m not sure that they are THE source of resentments. I agree that they are the source of many disappointments which contribute to resentments.
I also know that once resentments creep into a relationship, it lowers the chances of repairing the marriage relationship. Some therapists consider resentments the ‘kiss of death’ for relationships.
In my mind, resentment comes from unfulfilled commitments. All those broken promises and lies are forms of unfulfilled commitments.
Although expectations and commitments have some overlap, I see them as having different qualities. In my mind expectations come from earlier commitments. I also know that some commitments are expressed, while others are implied.
When you have resentments, have you considered where they come from? With all the power they have on relationships, it helps knowing where they come from . Resentment sours your relationship and changes how you look at your spouse.
This is why I’ve included commitments as part of the formula for restoring trust. When your relationship has unfulfilled commitments, it limits how much trust there is and can be.
In the video ‘How Can I Trust You Again?‘, I address ways of repairing broken commitments along with the other foundational parts of trust. Trust can be rebuilt.
In rebuilding it, you need all the essential ingredients. Cutting corners and leaving things out weakens the trust you have and limits what your relationship can be.
Best Regards,
Jeff
