Dealing with lies and liars is a perennial problem. Although I’ve dealt with many aspects of lies, there are always new things worth considering.
One item is the convenience of lies. For cheaters, it’s easier lying about what happened than it is facing the truth and sharing it with you.
What makes a lie convenient is that they are about the ‘here and now’. Liars don’t consider the consequences of their acts.
In their mind a quick lie keeps the peace and cuts the tension they are currently experiencing. If they told you the truth, they would face emotional tension and have to be honest with themselves.
In many ways the lie is more about them not wanting to face the truth about what they did than it is about keeping the truth from you. Honesty brings a squirmy discomfort with it.
Honesty also brings more questions. A quick lie keeps them and you from dealing with the long line of questions that come with the truth.
Some cheaters go so far as to play the word game about how their truth is as valid as your truth. Those kind of word games are frustrating.
Such games only play with your head and create added confusion. Since a confused mind doesn’t take action, this game is only another way of keeping you from finding out the truth.
When you’re confused, you just sit there emotionally immobilized. Lies are ways of keeping people from reaching the truth about what happened and their motivations.
When you’re tired of lies, and cleaning up the mess they leave behind, change starts happening. It’s only when the lies stop that positive change happens.
In the video, “How Can I Trust You Again?“, I deal with the importance of honesty in rebuilding trust. Honesty is an important step in changing your marriage.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
3 Responses
How exactly does one get a liar/cheater to tell the entire truth? My situation is what I see as typical. Trickle truth. I would bet the reasons for their ongoing withholding of answers is due to how bad the truth is. Reality is if they would just throw it all out, odds would have improved for reconciliation. What always happens is slowly but surely, truth pops up and another lie is exposed. Causing constant negative motion!
David,
I’m not 100% sure what you mean by ‘entire truth”. Is this an accurate accounting or events? Total emotional transparency? Total cognitive honesty? or spiritual transparency? Since the truth you are seeking may overlap across these areas, it helps to be clear on what truth you are looking for.
I’ll assume it is an accurate accounting events and address it like that. Most people can’t handle total emotional transparency. (Come to think about it, I haven’t met anyone who has been able to handle entire emotional transparency, at least for extended periods. When people are able to handle entire emotional transparency, it has been limited to one-sided, time limited episodes).
The best first step at reaching the ‘entire truth’ (of factual events) is creating an ‘atmosphere of safety’. When people feel safe, they take more risks with their truth telling (I go into greater detail about how to create an atmosphere of safety in the ‘Affair Recovery Workshop’). This will get you about 70% there.
The next hurdle in obtaining the ‘entire truth’ is that each spouse operates according to their own ‘subjective truth’ in their head. Each connect the ‘facts (observable, documentable phenomena) differently. The meaning they attach to these ‘data points’ of facts is individual. Some couples have a hard time coming to grips with these differences. It amounts to entering into each others world, and reaching mutual understandings of them.
This step also requires each person being honest with themselves, which some people find very intimidating or unattainable. Yes, some people have a hard time getting honest with themselves. When a person can’t be honest with themselves, they can’t be honest with others. They often need some self deception in order to function.
Even with healthy, functional marriages, researchers has found that couples are only about 90% honest with each other. They may be totally honest in some areas, like sex, yet have some dishonesty regarding health issues, money, etc. I suspect that this is needed in order to ‘turn a blind eye’ toward some matters.
I’m not sure if the reason for ongoing witholding is how ‘bad the truth is’ or shame or fear of anticipated responses to the truth (e.g. unsafe atmosphere). A conversation about whether or not she feels safe and what would enhance her safety may be in order.
Best Regards,
Jeff
Well I know I am not a therapist. I think in black and white. If I ask you a few basic questions about interactions with multiple people, expectations are to get honest answers. Questions like…. did you have sex with, did you kiss, touch etc… did you text or send dirty pictures, has this been cut off? How many times were you together? And with half the answers I could verify, she did not tell the truth. This being after being told by a marriage counselor to not lie again. And the effects of any further lies. Sorry I do ramble.